Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sometimes I just don't care...

Captain and I have 3 wonderful kidlets.  Kidlet #1 is a young adult daughter still living at home, working part time and making tiny steps towards college.  She is totally her mother’s daughter!  She has some of my best qualities…and a few of my worst.  She’s more than I ever could be…and sometimes, more than I can handle.  Needless to say, we have our moments of major clashing.

It drives the Captain crazy because we argue/squabble.  She baits me, and I can’t stand to not have the last word.  She’s disrespectful and rebellious.  I beat a dead horse.  She has great ideas and plans.  I wonder at her common sense…or lack thereof.  She loves to say outlandish things just to get me going. She attacks when I am emotional.  I hound and nag when she is defiant.

Until now, the Captain has left the room.  I was not of the mind to take direction from him.  And thought his intervening was interfering.  So he’s left us alone to duke it out verbally.  This has not led to peace in the house.  

The other night, things were getting out of hand.  She and I were disagreeing.  Loudly.  Captain looks at both of us and says in that HOH tone “You both need to chill. Now.”  We both look at him.  She thinks he’s mad.  I think he’s HOH-y.  I make a parting shot and leave.  Captain talks to her. 

Later that night, Captain and I were discussing the situation.  We agreed upon a great solution.  When this starts, (he usually sees it coming before I do), he’s going to tell me to go sit on our bed.  Tell, command, order.  Firmly.  In front of dd.  And I will obey.  Immediately.

Then he is going to talk to her.  In a calm, controlled manner, something that I am incapable of in the moment.  I trust him to defend my honor (state the need for her to respect me), lol.  And to make a good decision on whatever the problem is.

After he is done with her, he will come in and see me.  And he will lead me to the bathroom, take down my pants and panties, and give me a short but thorough bottom tanning.  This is not punishment.  It will be to enable me to let it go.  Totally let it go.

Yes, she will know something is up.  She will see her father give her mother an order AND her mother obey.  And I don’t care a bit.  If it stops the bickering between her and I, I am all for it.  And it can only benefit her and I if we’re not at each other’s throats in conflict.

She’s seen the difference in our marriage.  She knows things were really bad…and now they’re not.  She knows we’re working on communication.  She knows that I am actively trying to show him more respect and follow his leadership.  She knows he is more attentive and talkative with me.  She knows we “smoke swap” (kiss…we watch Jane and the Dragon, and the term stuck, lol) much more often.  She knows our marriage is much stronger than it was three months ago.  And she likes the changes she’s seen.

So, if she has to see her father give her mother a command, and her mother go against every instinct (I do not walk away easily) and obey it…then so be it!  I have NO plans to tell her about the spanking/discipline part.  I just don’t care if she knows I obey him.  I'd rather her wonder at that than continue the fighting.


  1. I think it sounds very positive. In reality someone has to give, right. So Captain supports you and you get to take the high road.

  2. Great example of team work in a situation of conflict resolution! Your man helps you by relieving some of the mounting tension with a short spanking. He helps your daughter by giving her a firm daddy talk. And both you and your husband together set an excellent example of a husband leading with authority and a wife submitting graciously to that lead. Your child may not understand it, but your example will leave its mark - she will probably remember this when she marries and seek out the same kind of harmony for herself.

  3. You are right Kate. She can see you take a direct order and not know all the details of what goes on behind that. Anything that will help to better your relationship is a good idea.

  4. This sounds like a really great way to handle a situation that would escalate really quickly otherwise. The part that stands out to me is not that you have to obey, but rather, that he is stepping in and saving you from heading down a road you don't really want to go down anyway. The fact that you will listen and walk away might be a good wake up call for her - like, hey! mom really can't stand dealing with me when I get like this, and dad's backing her up! The fact that he's able to deal with her so calmly will go a long way in teaching her to do the same.

  5. Good for you Kate. You have a situation and you are accepting your HoH's authority to fix it - that is dd working at its best.
    She will see you back down, but she might not make the connection between that act and your submission, she might just think it is a strategy.
    Good luck with it Kate and let us know how it works.

  6. Mothers and daughters - the age old dilemna. Know that when she gets about 21 things will be great between you two - it's just the time in between. Hope this solution works for you.

  7. My father used to say that the Chinese symbol for trouble was the heads of two women under one roof. This is how things work in our house, too (our boys have sensory issues and that can make them difficult to handle sometimes when they are overloaded - then I get overloaded.)

    It's great because she will see that in a conflict calmer heads prevail and learn to step back and look at things in a clearer manner. She will see that he has your back and learn that respect is the foundation of the family. And you get to hand over the frustration before your head explodes - that's such a relief.