The Ship Capsized...

At least that is what it felt like.

Captain and I have been through a very, very rough patch.  I think the stress of getting ready for the out of town trip, taking the out of town trip, and the catching up from the out of town trip really hit both of us hard.  Our communication really broke down.  There was a lot of stress and distance between us.

It felt like my biggest fear had come true...this was just another phase of that on again/off again ttwd that we have been doing for years.  I was devastated.  This went on for about three weeks.  It was terrible.  I am sure it felt worse than it actually was, at least to me. 

Thursday, Captain and I sat down for a talk.  And he, very hoh-ish, told me how he felt and what things were *going* to change.  And how we were going back to the way things were before the trip.  I loved that HE said this, he brought it up, and he started things again.

I was very thoroughly spanked on both Friday and Saturday nights.  The only thing that saved me on Sunday night was Captain wasn't feeling well.  Both nights things went good...or as good as getting your bare bottom well paddled can go.  Both nights ended with a calm, peace between Captain and I that hadn't been there is a while. 

So we are sailin' again...and I have got a ton of reading to catch up on...

The ship, she be run aground, Captain!

The name Captain came from a military rank…but when I talked to the Captain, I discovered we both think more in terms of a pirates and a pirate’s ship.  Arg! Me Hearty! 

Our ship is run aground.  Stuck on a shallow sand reef, sinking and wobbling and threatening to capsize!   

It started about a couple of weeks ago… 

At that time I was being spanked quite often.  This time it was a “say so”, which means it wasn’t consequence…it was just because he said so.  Towards the end, he said something about me asking and how I’d been asking a lot.  And I have.  I’ve been vocal about what I wanted, whether it be more swats or a certain implement or a higher intensity.  But the impression I walked away with was he was laughing at me…or worse thinking I was *weird or strange* or EVEN worse thinking I was trying to run things.  It was an overall very negative feel. 

Since this was towards the end, I had a lot of happy hormones, so I didn’t say anything then.  My usual m.o. when he says something that hurts my feelings or makes me mad, I tuck it away to consider later.  I tend to be oversensitive to things he says.  When I take time to consider things, usually it won’t seem like the big deal it had in the moment.  And a few things don’t go away.  This did not go away even after a few days.

Then crisis hit.  Captain was under some major stress at work, and it really affected him.  Captain is one of the most laid-back, go with the flow, patient men I have ever known.  But this amount of stress turned him into a very grumpy Captain.  And, after a few days, the crew was feeling the effects of his negativism.  It doesn’t happen often at all, which tends to make it devastating when it does.  It is so unlike him to spew a negative attitude all over the house.  Or raise his voice.  The kids were walking on egg shells.  I was distant and felt alienated.  Things were not going well. 

After a few days of this, another Stormy wind blew the sails and Kate made an appearance.  And when the Captain blasted in during a conversation between MissyKidlet and me, I was not a happy camper because he totally undermined my goal in the conversation, which was to keep things light but still bring up the issue.  He came barreling in with lecture and an ugly tone.  After he was done, I asked to talk to him in the bedroom.

Kate came out!  Whereas I (Mrs. Mouse) was alienated and distant, Kate was hopping mad!  Kate had the words I wouldn’t have uttered.  She said them well, not raising her voice (too much), and not getting disrespectful (much).  But she said what needed to be said. 

(By the way, just in case you’re wondering, I am *not* a split personality.  I am Mrs. Mouse.  Kate is who I want to be.  And ttwd is the merging process.  I need to find a way to get a voice that can express my feelings without being pushed to the point where I go overboard with rage.)

 

Captain listened and heard.  And things ended well.  Maybe not resolved, but better.  During this time, I had been having some health problems which prevented any spanking.  So things went on a couple more days…

 

The beginning of this week… 

During an evening talk, Captain asked about my health and whether I could be spanked.  I was honest with him.  Physically, yes, I could.  But emotionally, no, I wasn’t ready.  He had alienated me so drastically, that I was still feeling the effects of it.  And the remark he had made was still rambling around in my head.  I just wasn’t in a good place emotionally.  So we talked.  I couldn’t express what I was feeling very well.  My feelings were so conflicted and confused and I just couldn’t make sense of it.

So he said we would do something soon, but for that night, we would just talk. 

The next night, he said he was going to spank me.  And I reluctantly submitted…no…I reluctantly endured the beginning of a spanking.  I just could not accept it the way I usually do.  And he knew I was struggling.  So he stopped and took me in the bedroom to lie across his lap to talk it out.  And I physically did, but my spirit didn’t.  We talked some but didn’t really get anywhere.  So he chose not to do any more that night.   

The next night, there’s still a lot of distance between us.  He’s talking and I am answering.  But I was SO very confused.  I felt so negative towards him.  I felt safer with my distance.   

The next day we received an order of a few more “toys”.  These were ones I had picked out, and he didn’t know for sure what I had actually purchased.  So, there would be a spanking.  We both knew it.  I mean, come on, you can’t get all this stuff and not try it out!  So we did. But it was really different.  Normally during “testing new toys”, I have no problem requesting implement/more swats/more or less intensity.  This time I had trouble just taking my turn at picking what to try next.  The light bulb that had previously been very dim, burned brightly all of a sudden.  Epiphany!  (yes, there will be a post with reviews about what we got.)

Then Captain said that testing was over, but now he was going to clear the air.  I immediately froze inside.  The fun, light side of the spanking was gone.  And I took/endured the “clearing of the air”.  But my emotions were once again all over the place.  My wonderful epiphany was still too new to sort it out.  When he took me into the bedroom to lie across his lap, things did not go well.  I physically endured but emotionally, I just wasn’t there.  He let me get up because he knew. 

We, no, HE tried to talk but I was just so consumed by emotions and clinging to my distance, that I just couldn’t get past it all.   

And here I sit…writing and trying to work it all out… 

This is NOT about him ‘being grumpy’.  Although the alienation from him that I felt during that time plays a part in it.   

This is ALL about what he said about me asking. 

I think most women have trouble asking for a spanking, especially if they *really* need one for emotional reasons.  For us, the bigger problem was length and intensity.  In the past, I got up from most spankings feeling like it was only half over.  Sometimes not even half.  At that time Captain gave great warms ups…but it was a 30 minute warm up with a 2 minute spanking.  Unfinished.  Uncomplete. And so not there.  And totally frustrating for me.

This was a real problem for us.  He’d spank forever…and I still wasn’t happy.  He was just as frustrated, although I didn’t know/understand it at the time.  A big part of the problem is I seem to have a high pain tolerance.  Or maybe I just have trouble letting things go and letting the spanking work.  It takes a lot to get me *there*.

This time when we started ttwd, I knew it MUST be different for both of us.  I determined to be vocal about what I needed and wanted.  And I was.  And it was really working!  The spankings felt complete.  I was able to go to that happy, submissive place.  The spanking did its job.  And of course, I felt totally close and in sync with Captain. 

Things were going so well. 

And then he criticized my “voice”.  That’s what it felt like anyway to me.  I think I started retreating right then, and with him being grumpy and my health issue, it was just easier to put more distance there.  And now I am clinging to it, because if I let him in…it’s scary.  I mean, what am I going to say…I am really hurt and mad about something you said two weeks ago?  My m.o. of putting things he says on simmer has some flaws.  While it gives me the time to let go of the little things I over react to…it also lets the big issues simmer to a boil about a week too late.

And he has no clue.  He thinks this is about his grumpiness.  And why should he know what it’s really about…it was something he said that he probably doesn’t even remember saying?

And since, I promised myself to be honest in this post, part of it might have to do with a bit of spite.  Not a flattering thing to admit.  Something along the lines of:  if he’s going to criticize my “voice”, let’s just see how he does on his own. 

UGH!  I feel like this is such a mess.  A mess I made. 

Ttwd is so complicated.  But it is working.  Yes, it may be after two weeks of distance/silence.  And it may difficult to work through…but we are communicating about it and will work through it.  Before, pre-ttwd, it could have been two MONTHS or more for this type of issue to get worked out.  Yes, at the moment I am trying to grasp the positive, lol.

While this blog is mostly for me, because I love writing, it also provides me with another type of “voice”.  Because I can write this…and know he’s going to read it.  And I am SO much better at words on paper than I am having to speak them.  So, now that I’ve worked this all out in a blog post, I don’t have to find a way to tell him…because I already have.   

I know tonight is going to be difficult.  Waiting is always hard.  And while I am sure that whatever he chooses to give me while I am bent over the desk tonight won’t be easy on my bottom, I will be able to fully accept and submit to it. 

And this here ship be a sailin’ agin, Me Hearty!  Arg!

Just because I needed more...



Saturday Night

This weekend, I was able to collect on my prize of a back rub…with only 16 swats, with the implement of my choice.  Happy, contented, sigh.

I always get a warm up when I am across the desk.  So the Captain did that with our blue cane.  Then I chose the white cane.  After dutifully counting (the verdict is still out on how I feel about counting), it was done.  Over. 

I was shocked.  I felt lost.  Empty.  Like part of me was missing.  Like…like something was unfinished…

UGH!  I needed more.  I knew it.  Captain knew it.  I recognize it, but hate it at the same time. 

Back over the desk I went.  I got many, many more sets of 16 swats BUT I got to pick the implements for each.  This wasn’t for any other reason than I just needed it.

Then I lay across our bed, with a very hot, red bottom and got the most delightful back rub.  Makes a nice picture doesn’t it?

   

 

Stormy Blew By....

Friday evening, Captain and I had a conversation about his work habits (actually his workaholic habits). This has been an ongoing issue between us for a long time. He’s been staying late every night and worked the last two weekends. All of the weekends. He’s a public school teacher and the truth is HE WILL NEVER BE CAUGHT UP! EVER!!!

This school year he has 5 “preps”, which means 5 different lesson plans. More than that he is buried by bureaucracy (but that’s a different conversation, lol). His work has been a matter of contention for us in the past. We started ttwd during the summer, and I have been terrified that we will lose all the progress we’ve made now that he is back to work. And it really felt like that was happening. And I told him how I was feeling. And I was not happy that he would be working all of the upcoming weekend. Sigh. It wasn’t an easy talk, but I managed to not shut down AND to be respectful.

Saturday

I am frantically trying to play catch up on my lists that I am held accountable for. Things just did not happen the last two days. And I am still adjusting to having to get it all done. And dh is gone all day to a fund raiser. Working on the weekend, *again*. And I am having to clean house with two unwilling kidlet helpers. It does not make for a happy Kate.

Sooooo….I called Stormy’s blog up on my ipad. ( Shelter In The Storm ) I started reading at the beginning. So the Kidlets and I would clean one room, then break for 20 or 30 minutes. I would read the entire time. And laugh…and laugh!!! And shake my head in disbelief. HOW could she say that?!?!? WHY would she say that?!?!?! Her poor bottom!?!?!?!

Clean and read, read and clean, repeated several times throughout the day. It helped me get through a really rough time. (Thanks, Stormy!!!!!!)

Before I go further, you must understand that I am a mouse. I do not have a sassy or feisty bone in my body. I am terribly lacking a sense of humor. I do not brat to my husband…I freeze him into an ice burg on an isolated island where he can never reach me by way of walls, shutting down, and never ending silence. I do not use my words to retort, comeback or sass. I do not use my words to maim or injure. If I am pushed that far, I go straight for the kill. The words that will cut another straight to the heart, with all the venom I can spew. In almost 15 years of marriage, I have never called my husband a bad name, never cursed him, but I have built walls that make China’s Wall look like a toothpick.

Now, if you have read Stormy’s blog…you know that she is NOT a mouse, lol…

And if you haven’t read her blog…go there immediately!

So after reading and cleaning and dealing with uncooperative kidlets…along comes Captain. I had had a miserable day. I was feeling miserable. I was still slightly miffed at him for being gone (even though we had talked about it and had changes planned for the future.) To say the least, I was in a bad mood. MissyKidlet had been with him all day, and came in in a mood. Things were not calm and peaceful. And he and I were going out to grab a bite to eat and then grocery shop. What fun!! (feel the spewing sarcasm????) After a huge scene to get the kidlets semi settled and be able to leave, we were finally out the door.

And then Stormy blew by…

As we were heading to the car, I said something about doubting my parenting skills.

Captain said something about not letting them engage me or getting entangled in verbal battle.

Then I, little mousey me…muttered. Muttered under my breath, words that I might have thought before but would certainly NEVER, EVER have voiced out loud. Any, yet they came spewing out in a oh-so-quiet-Captain-can’t-hear-me-voice…

“Gee, thanks that’s SOOOOOencouraging”. Feel the dripping sarcasm?

I was shocked at myself!

We got in the car, he asks, blissfully unaware, “Did you say something?”

“Ahhhhh…we really need to get the car vacuumed.”

Oh my!

Things went from bad to worse…because that quiet little mumble turned into some pretty big (read: HUGE) attitude towards Captain. It had been a really bad day. I felt like he kicked me while I was down. I told him I didn’t want to eat out. Let’s just get the groceries and go home. We sat parked in the parking lot of the restaurant, trying to talk. Well, he tried to talk. I tried to appear like I was talking and not shut him out. Or build a wall.

Then he drove to the food store. More was said.

Then Stormy blew by again!!! I musta read more than I thought, and it leaked into my sub-conscience.

I vented. I raised my voice slightly. It all came pouring out, venom and all. Minor sarcasm, bratting, and a spoon of anger. My peace was said. In a not so peaceful way. But it also was not a full on attack.

And…

And…

It helped. Captain listened, and heard. And I felt better. He felt better.

And we drove back to the restaurant.

It never would have happened if Stormy hadn’t “blew” by. The mouse that I am, gave way to the Kate I want to be…still me, but feistier, happier…with just a touch of sass!

PS – Dear Captain, if you happen to read this…the muttering was all Stormy’s fault! 

 

 

Sometimes I just don't care...

Captain and I have 3 wonderful kidlets.  Kidlet #1 is a young adult daughter still living at home, working part time and making tiny steps towards college.  She is totally her mother’s daughter!  She has some of my best qualities…and a few of my worst.  She’s more than I ever could be…and sometimes, more than I can handle.  Needless to say, we have our moments of major clashing.

It drives the Captain crazy because we argue/squabble.  She baits me, and I can’t stand to not have the last word.  She’s disrespectful and rebellious.  I beat a dead horse.  She has great ideas and plans.  I wonder at her common sense…or lack thereof.  She loves to say outlandish things just to get me going. She attacks when I am emotional.  I hound and nag when she is defiant.

Until now, the Captain has left the room.  I was not of the mind to take direction from him.  And thought his intervening was interfering.  So he’s left us alone to duke it out verbally.  This has not led to peace in the house.  

The other night, things were getting out of hand.  She and I were disagreeing.  Loudly.  Captain looks at both of us and says in that HOH tone “You both need to chill. Now.”  We both look at him.  She thinks he’s mad.  I think he’s HOH-y.  I make a parting shot and leave.  Captain talks to her. 

Later that night, Captain and I were discussing the situation.  We agreed upon a great solution.  When this starts, (he usually sees it coming before I do), he’s going to tell me to go sit on our bed.  Tell, command, order.  Firmly.  In front of dd.  And I will obey.  Immediately.

Then he is going to talk to her.  In a calm, controlled manner, something that I am incapable of in the moment.  I trust him to defend my honor (state the need for her to respect me), lol.  And to make a good decision on whatever the problem is.

After he is done with her, he will come in and see me.  And he will lead me to the bathroom, take down my pants and panties, and give me a short but thorough bottom tanning.  This is not punishment.  It will be to enable me to let it go.  Totally let it go.

Yes, she will know something is up.  She will see her father give her mother an order AND her mother obey.  And I don’t care a bit.  If it stops the bickering between her and I, I am all for it.  And it can only benefit her and I if we’re not at each other’s throats in conflict.

She’s seen the difference in our marriage.  She knows things were really bad…and now they’re not.  She knows we’re working on communication.  She knows that I am actively trying to show him more respect and follow his leadership.  She knows he is more attentive and talkative with me.  She knows we “smoke swap” (kiss…we watch Jane and the Dragon, and the term stuck, lol) much more often.  She knows our marriage is much stronger than it was three months ago.  And she likes the changes she’s seen.

So, if she has to see her father give her mother a command, and her mother go against every instinct (I do not walk away easily) and obey it…then so be it!  I have NO plans to tell her about the spanking/discipline part.  I just don’t care if she knows I obey him.  I'd rather her wonder at that than continue the fighting.

Thursday Talk: Balance

Today was terrible.  My migraine is back and overwhelming me.  I am stressed and fatigued.  I canceled school today.  I sat in my chair, kept the house like a cave and watched tv with my kiddos.

When Captain and Kidlet#1 got home, things went from bad to worse.  MissyKidlet and I got into it again.  I was irritable.  She was baiting.  And I had NO tolerance for it, at all.  Finally, I ‘hibernated’ in my bedroom under advisement from Captain.  I got to be in a cold, dark, quiet room…and MissyKidlet got to live to see her next birthday.

However, because I didn’t expect to do that, I didn’t follow my lists and make sure certain things got done before bedtime.  UGH!  There was one thing left undone, which the Captain brought up.  The line between consistent and mercy is so blurred sometimes. 

There were lots of arguments for mercy.  I left a water bottle on the end table next to my comfy living room chair.  Now, technically the rule is I cannot leave glasses or cups on the table overnight.  This was a water bottle.  Hmmm.  I also did not know I would be vacating the livingroom as suddenly as I did.  Hmmm.  I have a really bad migraine.  Hmmmm.

The situation generated a really good conversation between Captain and I about rules, consistency, and mercy.  At first I wasn’t much help at all.  I kept wavering in my arguments.  Self-preservation would kick in and I’d argue that I shouldn’t be spanked.  Then I would think about how much him being consistent means to me, so I would argue that I should be spanked.  For these immediate consequences, the spanking is several swats with the short cane, no warm up, short and stingy…which I really hate. 

In the end, we both agreed that yes, I should be spanked.  But Captain was merciful in his spanking, so it was super short and not too stingy.    

 

 

The key between consistency and mercy is BALANCE!  Who knew?!?!  I think Captain and I have a much better understanding of both now.

The Rule Pow-Wow

Recently, Captain and I had a long talk about the rules.  I had written a few paragraphs about each area we had previously defined, which we both know contained impossible standards.  These rules were written as the ideal, not the reality.  Effort is far more important than total success.  And lack of effort is a punishable offense.

Some rules are easy, the black and white one.  Either I did or I didn’t and it’s very easy to tell the difference.  I did take my medicine.  Or I did not.  Black and White.  Other rules are more at his discretion.  I was respectful or I was disrespectful.  Those types of rules are more difficult to define.

We had a long talk about the rules.  Captain picked a few from each area that are 100% in force and I will be 100% accountable for those.  We added to my checklists, for which I am now accountable.  We will be ‘meeting’ every Sunday evening to check my accountability for those lists.  There will always be a spanking…how easy or how hard is up to me and how much of the lists are done/not done.  Captain also set some immediately punishable rules.  Mostly little things that if they are not done by bedtime, I will receive an immediate spanking with the small cane for.  Please note…I HATE short, stinging spankings.    This is mostly to get me into good habits rather than continue the bad ones.

I love the accountability.  I will thrive on the routine…and that he is checking and caring whether it is done or not.  He did throw in a few rules that I didn’t care for…namely exercise three times a week but it can be wii fit or the tread mill, so I have some wiggle room.   

Even though I now have new constraints on my behavior, I feel very secure.  I feel loved.  And looked after.  SOMEBODY is going to NOTICE if things are done or not done!!!  I think that is the biggest enemy of a homeschooling/stay at home mom…no one really notices if you get messy or sloppy or lazy or play hooky for days at a time.  No one notices, no one cares and it is an easy habit to get into.  (I realize he *may* have noticed…but if he did, he never said much before)

So while I may end up doing more…I will also feel better.  I won’t be stuck in the mire of GUILT over not doing the things I know I should.  And when I fail, there will be a reckoning AND closure.  There will also be praise and encouragement.  All things that will inspire me to do well.  And of course…Captain standing over me with a cane is quite inspiring in itself!

Last Night's Migraine Spanking

Last night I received a migraine spanking.  These are very different from our other spankings, because I have much more control.  Captain is very, very good with these kinds of spankings.  It tends to get intense, which really goes against his grain, so to speak.  I think the last thing he would normally do when I am in such tremendous pain is give me a long, hard spanking. 

I also get to lie across pillows on our bed, which helps me to relax.  He starts really lightly, about half of the usual warm-up intensity.  And it doesn’t get harder or more intense until I ask for it.  I can also request any implements or change of implements.  Don’t think that this means giving it (or taking it) is a piece of cake.  These are long spankings that build up to a very high intensity.

I think because it is so long, it lulls me into sub space, a relaxed state, a place of calm, where my head isn’t being stabbed with a knife over and over, or pounded by a hammer, again and again.  I reach a place where after hours of holding my muscles tight against the pain, I relax.  I also tend to clench my jaw muscles, and that relaxes too.

Last night started with the blue cane, went to the white cane, to the loopy rope thingie, to the rattan cane, and finally settled on using a switch.  At my request, he kept on with the switch for a long time, getting more and more intense. 

Yes, it was the ‘bumpy’ switch I posted about yesterday.  Yes, he used it on bare skin.  No, I didn’t mind or care.  Yes, I asked for it.  Yes, I asked him to increase the intensity, several times.  Yes, I have a couple of small marks today.  Yes, I have a very tender bottom.  Yes, I am uncomfortable sitting. 

DO YOU THINK I CARE?

NO!

My pain level for the migraine has gone from a very solid 8 down to a 2 by the time I went to sleep.  Today I am at a pain level of 3 or 4.  But MOST IMPORTANT!  I am not overwhelmed emotionally with the pain.  I can cope.  My check lists got done.  School happened.  Dinner will happen, and is already planned.  While I can’t do anything intricate or tedious, I can think and concentrate to function and get through the day.  I am not puking or retching.  I am not considering violence towards anyone who makes noise.  I am not swinging between deep despair and murderous rage.  I am not overwhelmed with fatigue. 

So…would I take that kind of a spanking again…YOU BET!  And yes, if he were here, and the house wasn’t full of kidlets, I would be asking again.   

PS – I plan to do a more thorough description of dealing with migraines by spanking…when I can think to express it all clearly.

Switches! Who Knew?

Switches are BUMPY!  Who knew?  I didn’t.  I’ve read several mainstream stories where someone got spanked with a switch.  Not one ever mentioned how bumpy and knotty they are.  Of course, they weren’t getting a spanking on the bare.  Neither did I.  But Captain did test several on my panty-clad bottom last night.

Yeee-OWWW-ch!  Those things sure are sting-y!!!

It was a totally different feel from anything else we’ve ever used.  And I am very glad he held back on the intensity.  These were cut several days ago.  I have read if they are fresh cut, they are more flexible, and therefore sting more. 

We have this poor, scrawny peach tree, so I don’t think there will be any more switches coming my way.  But he did keep the ones from last night he said something about whittling and peeling.  Not being a child of the south…not sure if that’s good or bad, lol. 

Just because HE Says So!

Last night I was spanked for no reason. . . other than because he says so.  It’s sort of maintenance, reminder, and encouragement all rolled into one.  The mood of these spankings tends to vary greatly.  Sometimes it can even be playful, light hearted razzing…and sometimes it can have a discipline aura.  And I am never sure what to expect.

He calls them “Say – So” spankings because they happen on his say so…not mine.

Last night had a discipline aura to it.  He has definitely found his authoritative voice!  I didn’t feel like I was in trouble, but I did feel the weight of his expectations.  It wasn’t a heavy weight.  It was like wrapping up in a warm blanket.  He’s there.  He’s noticing.  And he’s going to hold me accountable.

I am not sure why he’s been “saying-so” quite so often, other than he can.  Maybe he thinks I need it.  Maybe he’s right.  I spent years (and years…and years) waiting for him to initiate spankings.  Now, I’ve had the thought a time or two this month…”What? Again?”  And, yes, I would MUCH rather have this than be waiting.

But it does require more pillows!

Area #4 - Taking Care of my Health

Last night Captain addressed the last of the four issues we defined at the beginning of ttwd.  Issues one, two, and three were respecting him, controlling my emotions, and taking care of the  house/chores/finances/homeschool.  Last night my health habits (or lack thereof) was addressed. 

We did a lot of talking beforehand.  I knew this was coming and I was prepared for it (mostly).  As always, he started with the blue cane for a warm up.  Then he switched things around between the white cane and a wooden paddle.  It was a long hard spanking, but needed for him to drive his point home.  He added a few rules that I hadn’t anticipated.  And one I dread!  I must begin exercising on a regular basis.  UGH!  I will be working all the new rules into a journal post in the next few days.

The good news!  I won this week’s weigh in!!  And I only have 15 swats coming!  A back rub will be SO worth those 15 swats, lol.

Last Night's Consequence

Last night went good, well, as good as a consequence can go.  I had told Captain when he got home that I would like to talk that night.  After the kidlets were settled and the house was quiet, we were able to talk things out.  He had already read my blog post, so he knew most of what I was going to say.  I still told him everything, but knowing he knew made it easier to get the words out.  He was very understanding.  He did tell me there would be a spanking, but didn’t elaborate.  So I was left wondering what type of spanking but I was determined not to ask.  I didn’t have to wonder long.  He asked how many swats I had taken from our first Weight Loss bet. 

“Uhhh, 64, I think.”

“And how many the next time?”

“35.  Whyyyy?”

“Your consequence is going to be a specific number of swats and I am trying to figure out how many.”  Gulp!  I was very still and very quiet.  It is still very burned into my memory the spanking I got when he cleared the slate for emotions, namely shutting down or shutting him out. 

“50, I think it will be 50.” I think I gasped.  “You will have exactly what I choose to give you at whatever intensity I choose.  I will give you exactly what I want you to have.”  I think I nodded or something, I was a little stunned.  So much for mercy.

Captain told me to strip and sent me to wait in the corner while he checked the house for kidlets and burglers.

When he came back, he led me by the hand to the desk.  He told me that I would have a warm up first.  AND that there might be more than 50, but only the 50 would be for consequence.  I bent over the desk with much trepidation. 

He started with the blue cane.  I am so thankful he believes in warm ups, even for consequence.  Then he took me over his knee and gave me 50 swats with the paddle, which he made me count.  He’d swat, I’d count, and he’d lecture.  Truthfully, the swats were at a “moderate, better listen up!” intensity.  It smarted but didn’t overwhelm me.  The lecture, however, was more painful to take than the spanking. 

He talked about how it tears us apart when I shut him out, that I should be able to tell him anything, that I shouldn’t ever divert subjects, that he will give me space when I need it, but that I am always to be honest with him.  That “this thing we do” calls for honesty in all things.  Cringe.  And cringe some more. 

For a man who had trouble finding words in the past, he’s certainly found his mark now.  He NEVER used to lecture.  In fact until this time, I don’t think I had any real discipline spankings.  At least not any initiated by him.  Now he deems them necessary on a regular basis.

Afterwards, he had me lay across his lap, rubbed in some lotion, and talked about how we can better our communication.  Not another lecture, just talking about talking.  We also talked about taking some time this weekend for talking.  Not only do we want to talk but we want to talk about these specific things. 

I went to sleep with a very warm bottom, but I am so glad I told him.  And that he dealt with it.  And he is forgiving and ready to move on.  So am I.

Digging the Same Hole, Over and Over

I had this thing lurking around in my brain for several days…you know, one of those thoughts you just can’t seem to let go.  Living in the country now, I guess I could say I had something stuck in my craw.  And it all came to a head last night.  When will I ever learn?  That is rhetorical, please don’t answer.

Captain had said something (really just a word choice) a few weeks ago when we sorting this all out, just as we were starting ttwd, that I just couldn’t let go.  And it was haunting me now.  I think some other issues brought it to mind and just as I was about to take a step forward in my submission to him, this word just kept pulling me back, preventing me from moving forward.  It was so confusing.  And hurtful.

Last night, Captain decided I would have a “say so” spanking…because HE says so, lol.

I took it.  But I didn’t accept it. KWIM?  I didn’t protest.  I bent over the desk.  I took each swat.  I lay across his lap when he told me to.  But instead of being more connected with him, I was further away.  He talked and questioned me a lot.  I answered.  But I didn’t share my heart.  I told him I was having trouble tonight and that I had something that I was trying to work out but I didn’t want to talk about it.  He said that he would give me time if I needed it, but  he needed me to talk to him about it in the next few days.  Then he asked me if I was putting up a wall.  This is a HUGELY loaded question.  If there is one rule which he will enforce without exception it’s no shutting him out or building walls. 

I hate to admit it, because I am ashamed that I did it (and because he will read this and I’ll never get away with it again).  I diverted the subject so subtly that it was hardly noticeable.  I told him, “But I did everything you asked, I took the spanking.  I am here across your lap.  So I am not building walls.”  We talked about submission then.  He came back to whatever was bothering me, but it was mostly in the context of giving me time to sort it out.  I asked to get up, which he allowed. 

Then we snuggled up in bed, lying facing each other, just chatting.  And I end up spilling my guts.  I struggled mightily.  And it took a long time for me to get started.  Then it all came pouring out.  And we were able to sort it all out.  I feel better about what he said.  He apologized for a poor word choice.  I forgave him.  This is a hard thing, I hold grudges.  For a long, long time, usually.  But I was able to let this go totally. 

We agreed there might be a need to for a spanking addressing the evening again, just for closure.  But we both were at peace when we went to sleep.  The spankings are much easier to take than the talking/communicating is sometimes.  But the benefits of both are SO wonderful for us.

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I SO, SO wish I could end this post here…but I can’t.  Of course I was putting up a wall!  I was shutting him out!  I wasn’t sharing with him what was bothering me.  I wasn’t accepting of the spanking he gave!  And, of course, I have to tell him.  Tonight.  Sigh.

And I nit-picked words and changed the subject, justifying what I had done.  The argument that I had taken the spanking, so of course I wasn’t put up wall, was deceitful.  And I knew it.  Truthfully, if I am upset enough for it to change my behavior, he should NOT give me time to “sort it out”.  It’s a wonderful delay technique for me, but not so great for honesty or communication. 

And I have to tell him all of this too.  Tonight.  Bigger Sigh.

Weight Loss: Week Two

So the Captain lost this week’s weight loss bet.  Together we lost 3.5 pounds and I won the bet.  Captain kept trying to up the number of swats…I was supposed to get 35, but he kept trying to make it much more…I told him he’s trying to use fuzzy math.  So he started with a warm up with the blue cane.  Then he stopped a minute to try some more fuzzy math, and held the cane like a walking stick and stabbed his own foot!!  It was already a light, teasing evening, but I burst into giggles…

I got my 35 swats plus a few extras.  Then he gave me a delightful back rub.  Outside of him ‘accidently’ dumping a small bottle of freezing cold massage oil on my back, it felt wonderful.  It was relaxing, and intimate, and cozy…and…you get the picture.  J

The August Report

When we started ttwd this time, I started keeping track of our evenings.  One of the biggest issues of the past was my thinking Captain wasn’t consistent.  And him thinking that there hadn’t been any opportunities for us to do any spankings.  We never agreed.  So this time I kept track.  And I didn’t tell him.  I guess I wanted to see what he’d do.  And he might alter that because I was keeping track.  Yes, a month later, I do not feel good about doing this.  And after I post this, he WILL know. 

August

1 - otl, corner time

2 - otl

3 - otl, corner time

4 - otl, corner time, testing implements, very light

5 - otl, corner time, spanking moderate

6 - otl, corner time, quick swats,

7 - otl, corner time, spanking #1 of 4 moderate-high

8 - short otl, online shopping

9 - short otl

10 - camping

11 - called red...sick

12 - otl, corner time, spanking #2 of 4 very intense

13 - otl, spanking with new toys

14 - olt, corner time, postponed due to doc

15 - late night

16 - otl, impending drs

17 -otl, impending drs

18 – several quick swats throughout the day, late night

19 - reader's night (capsacain cream)

20 - otl, spanking (testing implements still, moderate)

21 - otl, spanking (intense)

22 - otl, spanking (high moderate)

23 - heating pad, blog reading

24 - heating pad, blog reading

25 - otl, safe talk

26 - late late night

27 - late night

28 - otl, spanking (low moderate) #3 of 4

29 - late night

30 - late night

31 - otl, spanking (high moderate)

So, the final count is 10 spankings in 31 days.  The longest I went without a spanking was 6 days, but that was because I was going to the doctor.  I had three discipline spankings, and 3 of   4 clearing the slate spankings.  And one discipline spanking that should have happened but was delayed by the doctor’s visit and eventually forgiven.

I’d say that is SUPER consistent. 

What I did notice was that OTL (My 30 Minutes ), the time when we talked about us and ttwd almost totally disappeared.  I miss that.  Corner time also disappeared.  Don’t miss that. J  I do plan on talking to Captain about all of this.

PS - Sorry about the funky highlighting...not sure what I did but I can't figure how to make it go away.

The Forgetful Captain

Tonight, Captain declared a Writer’s Night.  It is an idea that I came up with for the nights when he needs to work and I need for us to connect.  (Writer's Night )

I pulled the post up on my blog at his request.  He wanted to read it again to remember all of it.  We sat together as he read…and commented.  He liked the part about spanking over pajamma’s, then panties, then bare, and having me sit naked in our office. 

He goes and settles the house, makes sure all the kidlets are down for the night, and a final check of everything.  Then he comes back, leads me to the bathroom, and paddles me over my pj’s.  Then he lets me up, leads me to my desk and tells me to have fun reading and writing.

I’m sitting here very amused at his forgetfulness, lol.