Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Taking the edge off....

I never thought that *not* being spanked could be a discipline, but it is.  Well, not so much discipline, but more submission.  I am still terribly craving/wanting/needing…and he is staying firm that it will happen when he decides…and not before.

It’s a strange kind of torture.  I’ve been across his lap every night wearing just panties, while he rubs and pats and talks.  It drives me to distraction.  I SO (read SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) want a spanking.  But it also feels very submissive…and safe.  He’s not going to let me sabotage this for us.  What he does, takes the edge off and lets me have peace and closure about all the talking we’ve been doing.  But it so DRIVES ME CRAZY! 

He’s been telling me when he’s done and I am allowed to get up.  And tonight, he was done…and I was not.  My emotions weren’t resolved.  It was such a struggle.  Do I tell him I’m not ok?  Do I stay quiet and accept his decision?  I got up, but he knew.  We snuggled a bit.  And I kept quiet.  And he didn’t say anything.  Had it been in the past, I would have turned away and been upset and awake till the wee hours.  Tonight I stayed snuggled up to him, determined *not* to repeat the past.  After a few minutes…he asked me what was going on.  My big epiphany:  his time, not mine…maybe he never asked before because I always turned away before giving him a chance to ask. 

I came clean, told him what I was feeling, and he appreciated that I hadn’t shut down and told him what I was feeling.  He also told me that I was going back across his lap after we talked a bit more.  Soon I was back over his lap…after a minute or so, he told me to take my panties off. 

His hand on my bare bottom, pleasure and agony…his time, not mine. 

And another step is made…

Monday, July 30, 2012

I am truly appalled at myself...

The Captain and I had more talking last night.  I am truly appalled with myself.  One of the things he brought up concerning discipline is that I ignore him when he talks to me.  I had no idea I did this.  It’s one of my pet-peeves.  I hate (read: HATE) when I talk to someone and they don’t respond.  I apologized.  I’m torn between relief that he will be holding me accountable to his rules/expectation (and not the ones I choose/decide) and apprehension at what I don’t know I’ve done and the accountability he seems determined will happen.
At this point, we’re still in the talking stages.  Nothing has been decided or put in place yet.  But it’s coming.  We are both comfortable with it and are communicating better than we ever have about it all. 

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Just when it was going so well...

I back slid…terribly.  We had just begun talking…and he said something that ticked me off, and I shut down.  I’m a very passive aggressive argue-er.  It’s reflex for me.  I don’t yell or scream; I shut down, fold my arms and won’t even look at him.  In the past he would talk and talk, trying to get me out of it…and I would sit there fuming.  This time…THIS TIME…he called me on it.  Verging on scolding, he told me this was a big problem for us…I was stopped in mid shut-down.  I don’t remember much of what was said, but the emotion was…intensely safe.  And we were able to continue talking.  And we made a lot of progress.  We’re still talking, and at times it’s difficult.

He had me lay across his lap again…and this time his hands did wander…and along with the rubbing and patting, there was talk of what he will and won’t expect of me.  It’s strange, I haven’t been spanked, but I’ve never been disciplined in a more real way.

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Talk: Specifics

Before when we would start, I would bring it up, ask, and expect to start that very night…not so this time.  We may start dd, but no spanking happens until he decides.

I have to be totally honest about what I want/need and not expect him to guess.

I am allowed to suggest ideas…but no scripting.  And he may or may not use my suggestions.

We will use discipline, and whatever else he decides.  We’re not going to get caught up on labels or names.  If he wants to spank me, I will be spanked.

We agreed that MUCH more talking was needed.  Then I told him how I always left our conversations with negative feelings, no matter how well it went.  I usually lay awake most of the night dissecting our conversation, full of anxiety.  (Insomnia is a BIG issue for me.) I was also fighting a migraine from all the stress, which wasn’t helping my emotions.  I REALLY wanted a spanking, but I knew it would not have been the right thing to do…and truthfully, by this time of the conversation, I had no choice…The Captain was in charge. 

It was such a relief to know that he was determined that I not push or manipulate us into doing something we weren’t ready for.  But I also needed closure.  In the end, he had me strip down to panties and lay across his lap and he rubbed my back and neck.  Not once did his hands wander.  He was truly in control.  And it felt so…wonderful.  When I was allowed to get up, I curled up next to him…and slept peacefully.

The Talk

I am truly desperate.  I am feeling crushed by the weight of all that I carry.  I’m drowning in it.  The physical need for a spanking is there, but the emotional need of a spanking is overpowering me.  I can no longer think.  I can’t feel.  I am desperate for a relief from the pain, the stress, the worry, the guilt.  And tonight, I am going to tell dh all of it.

He’s no dummy; he knows something is going on with me.  And I worry that he is leery and dreading me bringing up the “spanking thing” again.  What he doesn’t know how very drastically my perception has changed.  And he doesn’t know how determined I am to escape this pain.

These feelings are not going to go away, and trying to bury them has only caused me more anguish.  It’s also undoing the progress I have made recently.  I am not willing to go back to living a non-life or stay in the pain that I am in right now.  I have two solutions. 

Solution 1
I approach dh; tell him of all the things I’ve been thinking and feeling.  And accept responsibility for the failures of the past.  AND ask him about trying dd again, under his leadership, on his time frame, as a submissive, appreciative wife. 

Solution 2
Work things out by reading a lot of online, living vicariously through the internet.  But it would require me taking time away from my family…and sometimes sleeping apart from dh.  I would need time to clear my head, deal with all the feelings, and try to get past it all on my own.

I wasn’t giving dh an ultimatum.   I worked very hard to make it his choice.  I was going on this journey…and I could go alone or he could lead me through it.  I wouldn’t be mad or upset or disappointed if he chose to let me go on my own.  I would just need the time.  Yes, I hoped he would want to journey with me, but I also saw clearly just how much damage I had done in the past.  So I wasn’t at all sure what he would want to do.

After some soul searching talking about all the things I finally realized and how sorry I was, we began to talk more about us and now, and less of the past.  I expressed my extreme desire to be submissive to his leading, to be accountable to him, to have the safety of boundaries, and to bond with him during the experience.  And he said………… 


And so our journey has begun……………


How I wish this introduction were the nervousness of right before I talk to dh about the whole spanking thing for the first time …this is a whole different nervousness.  It’s not the first time…or the second…or the third…  It’s been years though; probably three or four, at least.  And, mostly, it’s my own fault.  When I first talked to him, many years ago, he was receptive and willing to try it out for us. 

I was the one who sabotaged everything.  I bombarded him with tons of things to read.  I pushed and got mad when it didn’t go just the way I thought it should.  I nagged and fumed.  I wanted him to know what I wanted even when I didn’t know myself.  I blamed him for not doing it right, not being consistent, or spanking too hard or not hard enough.  Then I’d get frustrated and call the whole thing off.  We went through this cycle several times.
And then, it got worse.  I had a very difficult pregnancy…and then, thankfully, a healthy newborn to take care of and nurture.  I also had some long term health issues to deal with.  We tried a few times after that, but I fell back into old habits, and we just didn’t have the foundation to build on.  So more frustration between us.  More bad feelings.  And eventually…silence. 

For the past year and a half, we’ve basically had an “in house” separation.  We’ve lived parallel lives, being great parents living in the same house but not really in each other’s lives.  Finally, I switched to a new doc, who was able to significantly help with the health problems, and I feel like I am awake after years of being numb!  It’s wonderful!  I can think! I can feel! I can do more than sit in a chair!

Not so wonderful is realizing how bad some of my relationships had deteriorated.  Thankfully, my boys are still young and easily forgive.  My dd is old enough to understand and forgive also.  Dh and I, however, had much bigger issues to tackle.  And we tried.  I moved back into the bedroom, we tried for more time together, but it just wasn’t working as well as I had hoped.  I wanted that soul-mate relationship we once had.

Through all of this, spanking, and especially DD, was always in my mind.  I want that lifestyle.  Truthfully, I need that lifestyle.  It makes me feel safe.  It relieves stress.  It erases guilt.  It lets me move forward.  Otherwise I stay stuck.  And I was most definitely STUCK!  So I thought about talking to dh about it all again.  I have never felt so desperate.  But I also knew our fragile relationship could not take a repeat of the past. 

So I began to get really, truly honest with myself.  What went right in the past (not much) and what went wrong (a lot; mostly my fault).  I had to analyze what my real, true goals were.  Was it to get a spanking?  Was it to get discipline/boundaries?  Was it to be submissive to dh?  Was it to restore my relationship with dh?  I spent a couple of days soul searching, then I started reading and internet searching.  And after a couple of days, I was ready to talk to my husband…but this wasn’t going to be like any talk in the past…