He’s no dummy; he knows something is going on with me. And I worry that he is leery and dreading me bringing up the “spanking thing” again. What he doesn’t know how very drastically my perception has changed. And he doesn’t know how determined I am to escape this pain.
These feelings are not going to go away, and trying to bury them has only caused me more anguish. It’s also undoing the progress I have made recently. I am not willing to go back to living a non-life or stay in the pain that I am in right now. I have two solutions.
I approach dh; tell him of all the things I’ve been thinking and feeling. And accept responsibility for the failures of the past. AND ask him about trying dd again, under his leadership, on his time frame, as a submissive, appreciative wife.
Work things out by reading a lot of online, living vicariously through the internet. But it would require me taking time away from my family…and sometimes sleeping apart from dh. I would need time to clear my head, deal with all the feelings, and try to get past it all on my own.
I wasn’t giving dh an ultimatum. I worked very hard to make it his choice. I was going on this journey…and I could go alone or he could lead me through it. I wouldn’t be mad or upset or disappointed if he chose to let me go on my own. I would just need the time. Yes, I hoped he would want to journey with me, but I also saw clearly just how much damage I had done in the past. So I wasn’t at all sure what he would want to do.
After some soul searching talking about all the things I finally realized and how sorry I was, we began to talk more about us and now, and less of the past. I expressed my extreme desire to be submissive to his leading, to be accountable to him, to have the safety of boundaries, and to bond with him during the experience. And he said…………
And so our journey has begun……………