I was the one who sabotaged everything. I bombarded him with tons of things to read. I pushed and got mad when it didn’t go just the way I thought it should. I nagged and fumed. I wanted him to know what I wanted even when I didn’t know myself. I blamed him for not doing it right, not being consistent, or spanking too hard or not hard enough. Then I’d get frustrated and call the whole thing off. We went through this cycle several times.
And then, it got worse. I had a very difficult pregnancy…and then, thankfully, a healthy newborn to take care of and nurture. I also had some long term health issues to deal with. We tried a few times after that, but I fell back into old habits, and we just didn’t have the foundation to build on. So more frustration between us. More bad feelings. And eventually…silence.
For the past year and a half, we’ve basically had an “in house” separation. We’ve lived parallel lives, being great parents living in the same house but not really in each other’s lives. Finally, I switched to a new doc, who was able to significantly help with the health problems, and I feel like I am awake after years of being numb! It’s wonderful! I can think! I can feel! I can do more than sit in a chair!
Not so wonderful is realizing how bad some of my relationships had deteriorated. Thankfully, my boys are still young and easily forgive. My dd is old enough to understand and forgive also. Dh and I, however, had much bigger issues to tackle. And we tried. I moved back into the bedroom, we tried for more time together, but it just wasn’t working as well as I had hoped. I wanted that soul-mate relationship we once had.
Through all of this, spanking, and especially DD, was always in my mind. I want that lifestyle. Truthfully, I need that lifestyle. It makes me feel safe. It relieves stress. It erases guilt. It lets me move forward. Otherwise I stay stuck. And I was most definitely STUCK! So I thought about talking to dh about it all again. I have never felt so desperate. But I also knew our fragile relationship could not take a repeat of the past.
So I began to get really, truly honest with myself. What went right in the past (not much) and what went wrong (a lot; mostly my fault). I had to analyze what my real, true goals were. Was it to get a spanking? Was it to get discipline/boundaries? Was it to be submissive to dh? Was it to restore my relationship with dh? I spent a couple of days soul searching, then I started reading and internet searching. And after a couple of days, I was ready to talk to my husband…but this wasn’t going to be like any talk in the past…