Digging the Same Hole, Over and Over

I had this thing lurking around in my brain for several days…you know, one of those thoughts you just can’t seem to let go.  Living in the country now, I guess I could say I had something stuck in my craw.  And it all came to a head last night.  When will I ever learn?  That is rhetorical, please don’t answer.

Captain had said something (really just a word choice) a few weeks ago when we sorting this all out, just as we were starting ttwd, that I just couldn’t let go.  And it was haunting me now.  I think some other issues brought it to mind and just as I was about to take a step forward in my submission to him, this word just kept pulling me back, preventing me from moving forward.  It was so confusing.  And hurtful.

Last night, Captain decided I would have a “say so” spanking…because HE says so, lol.

I took it.  But I didn’t accept it. KWIM?  I didn’t protest.  I bent over the desk.  I took each swat.  I lay across his lap when he told me to.  But instead of being more connected with him, I was further away.  He talked and questioned me a lot.  I answered.  But I didn’t share my heart.  I told him I was having trouble tonight and that I had something that I was trying to work out but I didn’t want to talk about it.  He said that he would give me time if I needed it, but  he needed me to talk to him about it in the next few days.  Then he asked me if I was putting up a wall.  This is a HUGELY loaded question.  If there is one rule which he will enforce without exception it’s no shutting him out or building walls. 

I hate to admit it, because I am ashamed that I did it (and because he will read this and I’ll never get away with it again).  I diverted the subject so subtly that it was hardly noticeable.  I told him, “But I did everything you asked, I took the spanking.  I am here across your lap.  So I am not building walls.”  We talked about submission then.  He came back to whatever was bothering me, but it was mostly in the context of giving me time to sort it out.  I asked to get up, which he allowed. 

Then we snuggled up in bed, lying facing each other, just chatting.  And I end up spilling my guts.  I struggled mightily.  And it took a long time for me to get started.  Then it all came pouring out.  And we were able to sort it all out.  I feel better about what he said.  He apologized for a poor word choice.  I forgave him.  This is a hard thing, I hold grudges.  For a long, long time, usually.  But I was able to let this go totally. 

We agreed there might be a need to for a spanking addressing the evening again, just for closure.  But we both were at peace when we went to sleep.  The spankings are much easier to take than the talking/communicating is sometimes.  But the benefits of both are SO wonderful for us.

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I SO, SO wish I could end this post here…but I can’t.  Of course I was putting up a wall!  I was shutting him out!  I wasn’t sharing with him what was bothering me.  I wasn’t accepting of the spanking he gave!  And, of course, I have to tell him.  Tonight.  Sigh.

And I nit-picked words and changed the subject, justifying what I had done.  The argument that I had taken the spanking, so of course I wasn’t put up wall, was deceitful.  And I knew it.  Truthfully, if I am upset enough for it to change my behavior, he should NOT give me time to “sort it out”.  It’s a wonderful delay technique for me, but not so great for honesty or communication. 

And I have to tell him all of this too.  Tonight.  Bigger Sigh.