Thursday, September 13, 2012

Digging the Same Hole, Over and Over

I had this thing lurking around in my brain for several days…you know, one of those thoughts you just can’t seem to let go.  Living in the country now, I guess I could say I had something stuck in my craw.  And it all came to a head last night.  When will I ever learn?  That is rhetorical, please don’t answer.

Captain had said something (really just a word choice) a few weeks ago when we sorting this all out, just as we were starting ttwd, that I just couldn’t let go.  And it was haunting me now.  I think some other issues brought it to mind and just as I was about to take a step forward in my submission to him, this word just kept pulling me back, preventing me from moving forward.  It was so confusing.  And hurtful.

Last night, Captain decided I would have a “say so” spanking…because HE says so, lol.

I took it.  But I didn’t accept it. KWIM?  I didn’t protest.  I bent over the desk.  I took each swat.  I lay across his lap when he told me to.  But instead of being more connected with him, I was further away.  He talked and questioned me a lot.  I answered.  But I didn’t share my heart.  I told him I was having trouble tonight and that I had something that I was trying to work out but I didn’t want to talk about it.  He said that he would give me time if I needed it, but  he needed me to talk to him about it in the next few days.  Then he asked me if I was putting up a wall.  This is a HUGELY loaded question.  If there is one rule which he will enforce without exception it’s no shutting him out or building walls. 

I hate to admit it, because I am ashamed that I did it (and because he will read this and I’ll never get away with it again).  I diverted the subject so subtly that it was hardly noticeable.  I told him, “But I did everything you asked, I took the spanking.  I am here across your lap.  So I am not building walls.”  We talked about submission then.  He came back to whatever was bothering me, but it was mostly in the context of giving me time to sort it out.  I asked to get up, which he allowed. 

Then we snuggled up in bed, lying facing each other, just chatting.  And I end up spilling my guts.  I struggled mightily.  And it took a long time for me to get started.  Then it all came pouring out.  And we were able to sort it all out.  I feel better about what he said.  He apologized for a poor word choice.  I forgave him.  This is a hard thing, I hold grudges.  For a long, long time, usually.  But I was able to let this go totally. 

We agreed there might be a need to for a spanking addressing the evening again, just for closure.  But we both were at peace when we went to sleep.  The spankings are much easier to take than the talking/communicating is sometimes.  But the benefits of both are SO wonderful for us.


I SO, SO wish I could end this post here…but I can’t.  Of course I was putting up a wall!  I was shutting him out!  I wasn’t sharing with him what was bothering me.  I wasn’t accepting of the spanking he gave!  And, of course, I have to tell him.  Tonight.  Sigh.

And I nit-picked words and changed the subject, justifying what I had done.  The argument that I had taken the spanking, so of course I wasn’t put up wall, was deceitful.  And I knew it.  Truthfully, if I am upset enough for it to change my behavior, he should NOT give me time to “sort it out”.  It’s a wonderful delay technique for me, but not so great for honesty or communication. 

And I have to tell him all of this too.  Tonight.  Bigger Sigh.


  1. Very honest, Kate.
    Telling him is the right thing and the hard thing. Tell him how you feel. He loves you, it will be okay.
    It is all about honesty, and more important for you to know that you are doing this thing with a full heart and no, even little deceits between you.
    I admire your honesty. :)

    1. Thanks Lillie...
      You are so right, I know where my heart was...and it was most definitely not in the right place. I usually 'fess up when I've done something...the consequence is easier to deal with than the guilt. I do have a few butterflies though, lol.

  2. Yes I think you should tell him this, but, I also think you're being too hard on yourself. I wonder if you needed that 'wall' until you processed what you were mulling over. From what I've read, I'm kinda thinking it wasn't a wall to keep him out, but for you to be able to find the right head and heart space to be able to communicate with him.
    And you did, you told him.

    Dee x

  3. Oh Kate. Communication is always the key. When something upsets us, whether its words or actions, it is best to get it all out then and there. Otherwise we sit, stew and eventually we all spew it out anyway and most of the time it is not in the best circumstance. I actually try to do this now and it works much better for us but it took me a while to learn.

    Good luck tonight

    1. It's taken me years (and years) to learn to open up to him. And obviously, I am still learning, lol. You are so right...I let things simmer and simmer, then explode. I am making progress, slow progress. I told him with a lot of stutters and pauses...very long pauses. But I didn't wait till the boiling point this time.
      I'll be okay tonight. I am dealing with the usual butterflies...but dealing with things is SO much better than not dealing with them at all.

  4. At some point, self-preservation instincts kick in. Tell him honestly everything you said here. As Lillian says, he may give you grace and understand you just needed a breather in order to deal with what was going on.

    Maybe it would help if you had some quiet time alone after your spankings? Corner or bedroom or whatever time...just to quietly process the spanking and come to terms with it.

  5. Ah Kate, you are so honest and it's a sweet thing! Don't be too hard on yourself though. My husband really, really doesn't like walls either but I do think they have to understand that sometimes we need space and time to process. I have to come clean and talk it out after. For us, the trick is not stuffing things.

    I hope you had a good talk and are feeling better about this.

  6. It helps me sometimes writing it out, it forces me to focus on the issue, and what is going on around it. Then the input everyone else, also helps, you can forget things - then someone says this is my experience & it tickles something in your brain. I've come to a fuller understanding of some issues.

    In fact Stormy & I have been going back & forth about distancing in our last few posts. I've learned some things, she's learned some things, and we've talked about them to our men. I think you're where you need to be and when you're ready, it will come. It's a process, let yourself relax and open to it.