Our ship is run aground. Stuck on a shallow sand reef, sinking and wobbling and threatening to capsize!
It started about a couple of weeks ago…
At that time I was being spanked quite often. This time it was a “say so”, which means it wasn’t consequence…it was just because he said so. Towards the end, he said something about me asking and how I’d been asking a lot. And I have. I’ve been vocal about what I wanted, whether it be more swats or a certain implement or a higher intensity. But the impression I walked away with was he was laughing at me…or worse thinking I was *weird or strange* or EVEN worse thinking I was trying to run things. It was an overall very negative feel.
Since this was towards the end, I had a lot of happy hormones, so I didn’t say anything then. My usual m.o. when he says something that hurts my feelings or makes me mad, I tuck it away to consider later. I tend to be oversensitive to things he says. When I take time to consider things, usually it won’t seem like the big deal it had in the moment. And a few things don’t go away. This did not go away even after a few days.
Then crisis hit. Captain was under some major stress at work, and it really affected him. Captain is one of the most laid-back, go with the flow, patient men I have ever known. But this amount of stress turned him into a very grumpy Captain. And, after a few days, the crew was feeling the effects of his negativism. It doesn’t happen often at all, which tends to make it devastating when it does. It is so unlike him to spew a negative attitude all over the house. Or raise his voice. The kids were walking on egg shells. I was distant and felt alienated. Things were not going well.
After a few days of this, another Stormy wind blew the sails and Kate made an appearance. And when the Captain blasted in during a conversation between MissyKidlet and me, I was not a happy camper because he totally undermined my goal in the conversation, which was to keep things light but still bring up the issue. He came barreling in with lecture and an ugly tone. After he was done, I asked to talk to him in the bedroom.
Kate came out! Whereas I (Mrs. Mouse) was alienated and distant, Kate was hopping mad! Kate had the words I wouldn’t have uttered. She said them well, not raising her voice (too much), and not getting disrespectful (much). But she said what needed to be said.
(By the way, just in case you’re wondering, I am *not* a split personality. I am Mrs. Mouse. Kate is who I want to be. And ttwd is the merging process. I need to find a way to get a voice that can express my feelings without being pushed to the point where I go overboard with rage.)
Captain listened and heard. And things ended well. Maybe not resolved, but better. During this time, I had been having some health problems which prevented any spanking. So things went on a couple more days…
The beginning of this week…
During an evening talk, Captain asked about my health and whether I could be spanked. I was honest with him. Physically, yes, I could. But emotionally, no, I wasn’t ready. He had alienated me so drastically, that I was still feeling the effects of it. And the remark he had made was still rambling around in my head. I just wasn’t in a good place emotionally. So we talked. I couldn’t express what I was feeling very well. My feelings were so conflicted and confused and I just couldn’t make sense of it.
So he said we would do something soon, but for that night, we would just talk.
The next night, he said he was going to spank me. And I reluctantly submitted…no…I reluctantly endured the beginning of a spanking. I just could not accept it the way I usually do. And he knew I was struggling. So he stopped and took me in the bedroom to lie across his lap to talk it out. And I physically did, but my spirit didn’t. We talked some but didn’t really get anywhere. So he chose not to do any more that night.
The next night, there’s still a lot of distance between us. He’s talking and I am answering. But I was SO very confused. I felt so negative towards him. I felt safer with my distance.
The next day we received an order of a few more “toys”. These were ones I had picked out, and he didn’t know for sure what I had actually purchased. So, there would be a spanking. We both knew it. I mean, come on, you can’t get all this stuff and not try it out! So we did. But it was really different. Normally during “testing new toys”, I have no problem requesting implement/more swats/more or less intensity. This time I had trouble just taking my turn at picking what to try next. The light bulb that had previously been very dim, burned brightly all of a sudden. Epiphany! (yes, there will be a post with reviews about what we got.)
Then Captain said that testing was over, but now he was going to clear the air. I immediately froze inside. The fun, light side of the spanking was gone. And I took/endured the “clearing of the air”. But my emotions were once again all over the place. My wonderful epiphany was still too new to sort it out. When he took me into the bedroom to lie across his lap, things did not go well. I physically endured but emotionally, I just wasn’t there. He let me get up because he knew.
We, no, HE tried to talk but I was just so consumed by emotions and clinging to my distance, that I just couldn’t get past it all.
And here I sit…writing and trying to work it all out…
This is NOT about him ‘being grumpy’. Although the alienation from him that I felt during that time plays a part in it.
This is ALL about what he said about me asking.
I think most women have trouble asking for a spanking, especially if they *really* need one for emotional reasons. For us, the bigger problem was length and intensity. In the past, I got up from most spankings feeling like it was only half over. Sometimes not even half. At that time Captain gave great warms ups…but it was a 30 minute warm up with a 2 minute spanking. Unfinished. Uncomplete. And so not there. And totally frustrating for me.
This was a real problem for us. He’d spank forever…and I still wasn’t happy. He was just as frustrated, although I didn’t know/understand it at the time. A big part of the problem is I seem to have a high pain tolerance. Or maybe I just have trouble letting things go and letting the spanking work. It takes a lot to get me *there*.
This time when we started ttwd, I knew it MUST be different for both of us. I determined to be vocal about what I needed and wanted. And I was. And it was really working! The spankings felt complete. I was able to go to that happy, submissive place. The spanking did its job. And of course, I felt totally close and in sync with Captain.
Things were going so well.
And then he criticized my “voice”. That’s what it felt like anyway to me. I think I started retreating right then, and with him being grumpy and my health issue, it was just easier to put more distance there. And now I am clinging to it, because if I let him in…it’s scary. I mean, what am I going to say…I am really hurt and mad about something you said two weeks ago? My m.o. of putting things he says on simmer has some flaws. While it gives me the time to let go of the little things I over react to…it also lets the big issues simmer to a boil about a week too late.
And he has no clue. He thinks this is about his grumpiness. And why should he know what it’s really about…it was something he said that he probably doesn’t even remember saying?
And since, I promised myself to be honest in this post, part of it might have to do with a bit of spite. Not a flattering thing to admit. Something along the lines of: if he’s going to criticize my “voice”, let’s just see how he does on his own.
UGH! I feel like this is such a mess. A mess I made.
Ttwd is so complicated. But it is working. Yes, it may be after two weeks of distance/silence. And it may difficult to work through…but we are communicating about it and will work through it. Before, pre-ttwd, it could have been two MONTHS or more for this type of issue to get worked out. Yes, at the moment I am trying to grasp the positive, lol.
While this blog is mostly for me, because I love writing, it also provides me with another type of “voice”. Because I can write this…and know he’s going to read it. And I am SO much better at words on paper than I am having to speak them. So, now that I’ve worked this all out in a blog post, I don’t have to find a way to tell him…because I already have.
I know tonight is going to be difficult. Waiting is always hard. And while I am sure that whatever he chooses to give me while I am bent over the desk tonight won’t be easy on my bottom, I will be able to fully accept and submit to it.
And this here ship be a sailin’ agin, Me Hearty! Arg!