Residual Effects

My last post ended with “things are once again right in my world”…except they are not.  I’m having a residual emotional reaction to what happened.  Maybe it is emotions from being in pain for 4 days now.  Maybe it’s the migraine meds combined with the allergy meds.  I don’t know.  I know I just feel lost.  I feel a distance between Captain and I. 

The last two nights I’ve lay beside him, on my tummy, with a heating pad across my tush while he reads more on my blog.  I WANT him to read my blog.  I am a written words on paper type gal.  I let more of myself out in my blog posts than I do in real-life, even with Captian.  I want him to know all of me.  He’s not caught up to current posts…so he has not read anything I’ve posted recently. And I am dreading when he does.

But I am having trust issues.  He shattered my safe place.  (See previous post: Another Rough Night)  He accused me of things that hurt terribly.  Things that have changed the core of what I believed was ttwd between us.  I am glad that time/circumstances have prevented him from having me lay across his lap.  I don’t want to.  And I don’t think I’ll ever find the peace or safety there I once felt.  Now it feels like something to be endured, not cherished as it once was.

This is a busy, busy week for him at work.  Students return soon and there are a million details to take care of.  I get that.  He wanted to snuggle last night, so I curled up next to him.  The unspoken distance was there.  He asked about it, he felt it too.  I said it’s a conversation for another day.  A day when he has more time.

I know he’s formed his own opinion about what’s wrong.  He thinks it’s because I haven’t been spanked in two days and I am ticked about it.  He thinks it’s because I haven’t been across his lap.  It is not either of those things.  It’s just more of the same type of accusations that hurt so badly the other night.  He has no idea what he has shattered.  And, right now, I am too broken to tell him.

He mentioned something about doing a short stingy spanking at the end of the bed.  Then he asked my thoughts.  I told him he was reading me wrong.  I stayed respectful but gave minimal answers.  I did not want to get into it at that time, esp when time was so short.  The last thing I needed or wanted was a short stinging spanking that I am going to hate when it’s not punishment.  I am glad he didn’t push, I am not sure that I would have been able to submit to it without hating him for doing it.  (If it were punishment, I would have taken it.)

He’s texted me several times this morning.  Things to get done, things to have the kids do.  Very HOH-ey.  But I’ve kept on track this week so I can chill on Friday.  I cannot/willnot try to walk when I have a migraine this long.  (I started walking Monday, walked Wednesday with a migraine, was supposed to walk today but have hit a point where any movement hurts.)  He’s told me we will be talking tonight.  And much more.  I am not looking forward to the “much more”.  Actually, I am not looking forward to talking either.