Another rough night & Another long spanking...

Last night was tough, again. I’ve been fighting a migraine for two days and my emotions are on edge and I ended up in trouble.  I am having real difficulties with finding the balance between shutting down totally or letting my temper fly.  All I did was ask a question.  I thought really hard about when and how to ask.  We’re venturing into new territory, and things come up.  I, in no way, meant disrespect or to threaten his leadership. 

I waited till I was across his lap.  I feel like that is my ‘safe’ place.  He rubs and pats, I feel submissive and we talk about us. ( My 30 Minutes).  I ask: “Tonight, when you first got home and had me in the bathroom, you really held back on the swats.  I was wondering why.”

“Are you complaining?” he quips, and follows it with “I could always say what I say at work, Are you complaining or just griping?”

Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am.  I am immediately ticked.  Majorly ticked!  I snapped something back about not complaining and being sorry I even asked. 

He goes into this long thing about not letting me lead, not letting me push or dictate what’s going to happen.  And he goes on and on.  I finally ask to be let up because I can’t breathe, which was not an excuse, my allergies are terrible right now. 

We lay there a bit.  I am working hard not to shut down…but not doing well at keeping my tone respectful.  I was really mad, hurt, and…lost.  He took away my safe place.  I felt crushed that he would take my question so…so…not how I intended it. 

So we talk.  I really wanted to know the answer to my question.  Way back, he used to back off on the intensity when I seemed to need it the most.  Usually when I have or am fighting a migraine.  But, we’ve also had had an intense night the night before, and I was sensitive and had a couple of marks/bruises.  I wanted to know if it was that or something else. 

He has to do a final check on the house.  And he sends me to wait in the corner.  He tells me when he gets back, we’re going in the other room (where the desk is).  I balk but go to the corner.  I will not write what I was thinking, standing in the corner.  I want nothing in print to incriminate myself.

He comes back.  I ask for us to be able to talk before the spanking.  He says yes.  I excuse myself for a moment.  I really needed a minute to gather my thoughts.  I come back in the room, and he wants me over his lap again.  Not ten minutes ago, I could not BREATHE over his lap.  I hesitate.  He gets all HOH-y on me.  I obey, grudgingly.  He asks something…  I bite back with something about not being able to think because I canNOT breathe.  He lets me up.

We talk a bit more.  A very little bit more.  Then I take the plunge.  I ask for immunity for the rest of the talk.  I needed to talk this out with him, but I couldn’t with having to watch every single word I said.  He grants immunity.  And I start talking.  Part of this was me…and part was my migraine meds.  They tend to make me talkative and rambling.  We end up sorting everything out.

I do ask him if there is going to be consequence tonight during the spanking.  I would abide by whatever he decided, but I needed to know ahead of time.  He said no, we both have to work on our communicating skills but I was still in for a spanking.  Then he asks me if I need or think I deserve consequence.  I answer honestly…I’m too keyed up to really know.

He takes me in the other room, has me bend across the desk.  He uses my favorite blue cane for the warm up.  I get to request the implements.  We’re still exploring with the new stuff.  He’s thorough but not over intense.  He also gives me a longer than usual spanking.  It was just what I needed.

As always he finishes with several swats with our wooden paddle.  He lets me get up.  I hug him and hold on tight, and ask for more.  I always have been and always will be a multi tasker…especially in my thinking.  These would be consequence swats, although he didn’t know it at the time. 

I didn’t deserve them for what I said.  I, however, did not obey him and I had a generally uncooperative attitude.  He did (said) wrong too.  But this isn’t about what’s “fair”.  This is about him leading and my agreement to follow…whether I like it or not. 

He takes me back to bed and across his lap again this time propped up on pillows so I can breathe.  I explain why I asked for more.  We talk as I get some wonderful aftercare.  And things are once again right in my world.