Sunday, August 26, 2012

Riding out the bump in the road...

First, I must say “thank you” to the ladies that posted comments to my last post.  Your words helped to give me the courage (and nudge) to open to up to Captain.  It was by no means an easy thing to do. 

We started talking during a few stolen moments when the kidlets were all busy.  I told him everything I was feeling.  Lost, because I couldn’t talk freely any more.  Hurt because I had meant no disrespect.  Angry because my safe place had been taken away.  Distrustful, hesitant and distance. 

He listened…and understood.  He asked me, “I am very sorry.  I’ve apologized, and I truly meant it.  What more can I do to make this right?”  It was not a question asked in anger or frustration.  He really wanted to know.

What more do I need?? 

HOW should I know??????  I was too busy dealing with hurt.  At my request, he left me alone so I could process through all that we had talked about.  I’m not very good at conflict.  I either build an impenetrable wall…or I BLOW, in a tangent rage of epic proportions.  And I tend to hold grudges, not resolve problems.

What more do I need?????

Sigh.  I tried to sort out my emotions.  I needed him to recognize the magnitude of the hurt I felt.  And I need my safe place to be safe.  These things wouldn’t undo the damage…but would start the healing.

That night we talked more.  I told him what I needed.  And we talked and talked and worked it out.  That night when I went across his lap, it didn’t feel as safe as it once was, but it didn’t feel awful either.  I was cautious but not distant.  And things are still good between us.  This “bump in the road” didn’t totally derail all that we are trying to accomplish or make us (read: me) give up and totally stop ttwd.

So, we’re back to moving forward again.  J


  1. I am glad you were able to talk and resolve the conflict.

  2. (((hugs))) Kate! It's hard to trust again right away, but give it time. And let him know it's going to take time. But as long as he's willing to listen, which it sounds like he is, then things will work out just fine. You'll get through this.

  3. I am happy you were able to talk to your husband and really tell him how you felt. It's important that he know you are working on rebuilding your trust but it may take time and he has to tread very carefully that he not violate that trust again.

    Good luck on moving past this issue.

  4. Hi Kate...found you and I don't think I've been here before. I'll come back to read more. It sounds like you've been going through a hard time but have started to come out on the other side. That's good!

  5. Hi, Kate. It's nice to meet you, or whatever it is when one becomes acquainted with another via her blog. I just read yours. You've taken on a huge commitment to not only start ttwd, but restart and correct it after a few failed attempts over several years.

    Sometimes it helps to get other perspectives on something, so I'll offer one in that vein - as another way of viewing this that may give you clarity or think of it a bit differently.

    It's simply my observation, but it might help to not consider being over Captain's lap as your safe place, but consider HIM as your safe place. Remember, you are his safe place, too, and both of you are imperfect humans who make mistakes with each other.

    Over his lap is the symbolic safe place where you feel protected and free to bare your soul. It's the place where he exerts his most strong, firm, kind and loving understanding of you without any other distraction, where the two of you can be totally focused on each other. It's the time and place you feel most safe from old habits of biting sarcasm, indifference, criticism. It's where you go to find order, constructive rules, and understanding of things important to him. It's where the two of you have designated to explore the most intimate depths of ttwd/dd and is designed to have each other's undivided attention.

    The fact he used that place and position to make a cutting remark made you feel your "place" was violated. It wasn't. He simply made a mistake. I think as much as an angel's halo may slip on occasion, so will an HoH's leader hat. Forgive him the mistake he apologized for, just as you expect him to forgive you yours after you apologize and "pay for it" with your dd-dynamic.

    There probably are other ways of looking at this that will help you reconcile what happened between you and restore your special place both literally and figuratively. You have my best wishes as you continue to work on finding whatever works.


    1. Wow...I love what Irishey said here Kate. Finding HIM as your safe place. A very wise thought.

    2. Thank you, Irishey. I am in awe of your very parceptive perception. I will keep it in mind as Captain and I work through this.