Wiping the Slate and Banging the Erasers

Do you ever rat yourself out???

Wednesday

If I’ve done something really wrong, I usually will.  But what if you are just struggling with something?  What if you’re just teetering on doing something against the rules?  Or maybe not trying as hard as you should? 

I’m having a hard time with Rule #3…the running of the house.  I’m keeping up, but just by the skin of my teeth.  I’m floundering.  I’m doing most of what I should, but letting small things slide here and there.  It’s not noticeable.  It appears I am doing a pretty good job.  Much better than I have done in the past.  But still, not as good as I *can* do.

So I think about telling all of this to Captain.  Then I think about the spanking he might give.  Then I think about NOT telling him.  I’m not afraid of the spanking…ok, a tiny bit apprehensive, I am more afraid of his disappointment.  I usually am not this wishy-washy.  I know I will be receiving at least a maintenance spanking tomorrow night.  He’s already told me that.   

 

Thursday

Maybe I am struggling with the idea of answering to him.  Before when we’ve tried dd, and I told him something like this, he would smile, hug, and encourage me to do better.  I might get a token spanking for it.  But that’s a big maybe.  Now…I am not sure. 

Maybe I am struggling with the idea that a spanking may (ok, will) help.  Maybe I am just stressed.  I’m back to teaching homeschool.  Dh is back at his work after being home most of the summer.  Our routine has changed drastically the last two weeks.  Not to mention kidlet #1 and I have been having some issues.

 

Later Thursday

I’ve had a bit of a nap and my headache and my thinking are much better.  I *need* a good, long, hard, slate-clearing spanking.  For whatever reason, my slate is muddled.  I know I need to talk to Captain about it, but I also don’t want him to think I am pushing.  I am worried that he will think that I am pushing. 

He’s home.  We’re going through the evening/dinner/bath/family routines.  I did find a quiet moment to let him know that I need a safe place to talk to him (for us that means my laying across his lap).  I am going to tell him everything that I am feeling…and request slate clearing instead of maintenance.  I think.  That’s the plan at the moment.

 

Friday

Captain and I talked last night.  I had trouble getting started but once I did the words just tumbled out.  And…he understood.  I told him about my muddled slate…nothing really wrote on it (no specific infraction).  Then he said something about how sometimes slates (chalkboards) need to be wiped down and the erasers pounded.  Yep, that was it exactly.

He left me waiting, while he went and settled the house.  He came back to get me and led me by hand to the desk.  I loves that he always leads me to the desk.  I take his hand and follow.  I bend bare bottom over the desk and he starts with our blue warm up cane.  Then he starts switching to other things.  I am expecting a mild scolding…instead he talks about how much I have accomplished the last two weeks, how good homeschool is going, and how well the house looks.  He offers lots of encouragement as he swats away with the white cane.  It hurt a lot but I was able to stay still (mostly) and focus on his words.
 

Then he switched to the wooded paddle, held me with his arm across my back, and gave me quite a paddling.  It was several hard strokes with the paddle.  This time he told me very firmly that he didn’t want me changing things too much or trying to do too much with school OR stressing myself or anyone else.  Then he had me count the next twenty strokes.  He always swats so quickly, I have a hard time keeping count.

He let me up, and we hugged.  Then he said “This is your time to tell me if we aren’t done,” as he held me tight.  We weren’t done.  We both knew it.  I sort of nodded and mumbled something about not being done.  Back across the desk I went.  Back across my bottom the paddle fell.  Then he switched back to the blue cane.
 

“Don’t let me stop until we’re finished.  I don’t want you taking any of this with you when you get up.  Next time I stop, we are done.” He told me in that HOH tone he uses.
 

“Yes, sir,” was all I could manage.  The strokes from the cane fell swift and steady across my bottom.  It was one of those moments where it’s exactly the right intensity.  Painful, but something I could relax into, not try to escape from.
 

When he finally stopped, we both knew we were done.  And I was at total peace.  He took me back to our bedroom, and had me lay across his lap for some aftercare.  Afterwards we snuggled and I went to sleep, peacefully.