Where We Are and Where We are Heading

I read Stormy’s Post about One Month from Two Years (One Month from Two Years) 

I loved her list.  It’s so many of the things I have recently found with Captain and so many I hope to find.  Things rekindled after years without…anything.  We didn’t fight.  We didn’t yell or scream.  On the surface, we looked fine.  *If* you didn’t look too hard. 

It was easy to excuse my sleeping elsewhere because of my extreme insomnia and his snoring.  We were pleasant.  We could maintain a friendly conversation about kids/house/finances.  But I had more interaction with the checkout lady at Wally World than I did my husband.  I felt like a stranger in a house with someone that I was raising kids with.

WOW!  How things have changed in two months!

Now…

We laugh more…and we laugh together

We forgive. (And I am working on the forgetting part)

We talk a LOT more.

We have peace when we’re together

When he speaks, I listen (And I am working on the making changes part)

When I speak, he listens and actually HEARS me

We’ve learned to talk things out (And I am working on not shutting down or building walls)

We sleep in the same room, in the same bed

I have a blog…and he reads it…AND other blogs

We spend more time together…and ENJOY that time

We have rekindled the friendship that was lost

My lists are actually getting done…and he helps

Disagreements are talked out, not left to fester. 

I was disappointed when summer vacation was over, not glad to see him go back to work

“Yes, Sir” is said much more often and with respect.

I listen when he talks (Working on stopping what I am doing and giving him my full attention)

Our kids see us “smoke-swapping” now (Jane and the Dragon for kissing!)

Lying across his lap is a safe place, and I am there often, just for us to talk

I do not read to block him out

I have learned that he means it when he says I am not allowed to shut down
We’re working on baby steps together, rather than walking away from each other

He asks how my day went…and really wants to know

I kneel by his chair in the living room just to talk with him

I know there’s still a lot of work to do, and that new problems will come. And I know that things won’t always go well with ttwd. But I feel like Captain and I are on the same team again. We’re not on separate teams, in different leagues, in different countries. We’ve found a way to fight together against outside forces.

So for right now, I am not going to borrow trouble…but enjoy the ride. . .we've came a long way in just a few months.

The Guy Speak Letter

Before I approached Captain about bringing ttwd back into our lives again, I spent a couple of days reading.  We had tried so many times before, and failed.  And our marriage was in terrible shape.  We were on the brink of ‘either this gets better or we consider separating’.  It was not an easy place to be.  Before I talked to the Captain, I did some reading…okay a LOT of reading.  I knew that we could not afford to fail again.

I found Mick’s Blog Husbandly Touch  (Husbandly Touch).  I spent the entire day reading it from first post to last.  I appreciated the ‘guys’ point of view.  I don’t think I had ever truly realized how hard it is for the husband to step up.  I enjoyed reading their journey over the span of a few of years. 

I found this post A Letter to the HOH (Letter to HOH).  It was everything I wished I knew how to say…but put into ‘guy speak’. 

Reading Mick’s Blog totally changed my perception of how to approach Captain…and it has worked so much better this time.  For the first time, it feels like ttwd is benefitting us both.  Captain has stepped up in ways I never dreamed.  And I’ve found a level of respect and submission that I didn’t know was in me.

When Captain started reading, I suggested he start with Husbandly Touch and read it ALL before anything else.  And while I am mildly concerned Captain may become as strict and consistent as Mick is, I am also sure that it will benefit both of us…again.

So Thank You so much, Mick, for your writing, your wisdom, and your wonderful sense of humor. 

About Rituals

I recently read these two great posts:

Secret Rituals   

Not So Sectret Rituals (part one)

 

Yes, I am eagerly awaiting part two of Not So Secret Rituals

 I am a routine type person.  I love having routines!  I get SO much more done when I have a routine.  I feel better and more secure when I have routines.  I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom, routines are essential in us getting things done because there is no one here to enforce things.  It’s easy to play hooky from school and let chores slide and just hang out in jammies and watch tv all day.  My kidlets would love that! 

Right now I have a checklist that I use every day with all three of us, myself included.  We have the morning checklist, then do school, the afternoon checklist, the dinner check list, and the bedtime checklist.  It’s the only way I have found for me to get things done.  A checklist and a routine, every day.  Well, every school day.

With ttwd, we started with a routine of me spending 30 minutes laying over his lap and talking.  It had no connection to spanking.  It was just something we did almost every night in the beginning.  (My 30 Minutes)  During this time, I kept track of this and spankings for a month.  At the end of the month, I was feeling very unsettled, even though I was getting plenty of spankings.  When I looked at my tracking sheet, my otl time had decreased to almost nothing.  I was unsettled because a ritual I had counted on was gone.

All of our spankings happen at night after the kidlets are settled for the night.  Typically, Captain and I go to bed after the kidlets go down for reading time.  We talk real-life stuff while we wait for reading time to be over.  Then we wait some more.  Then Captain makes one last round making sure everyone is settled and hopefully asleep.  This is more to reassure me that they are indeed in bed.  I tend to be a bit paranoid, lol.  Then, if there is to be a spanking, he leads me by the hand to the desk.

That’s it.  Would I like more ritual before, during, and after a spanking?  Yes.  Absolutely.

But it is also a control thing for Captain and I…well, namely me.  In the beginning, I made the mistake (several times over) of trying to ‘script’ spankings, complete with all the rituals I thought I would want.  And since I am not in control this time, I may suggest, but he decides.  And he hasn’t really decided any more than leading me by the hand. 

Truthfully, I’d like a ritual, something small, that we do most every night, that doesn’t necessarily have to do with spanking…but everything to do with our connecting on a ttwd level.  His dominance/HoH-ness and my submissiveness.  We get so busy, that connecting on that type of level is hard for us sometimes.  I think I would find comfort in that.  And of course I’d like some rituals for when there is a spanking, lol.