The Ship Capsized...

At least that is what it felt like.

Captain and I have been through a very, very rough patch.  I think the stress of getting ready for the out of town trip, taking the out of town trip, and the catching up from the out of town trip really hit both of us hard.  Our communication really broke down.  There was a lot of stress and distance between us.

It felt like my biggest fear had come true...this was just another phase of that on again/off again ttwd that we have been doing for years.  I was devastated.  This went on for about three weeks.  It was terrible.  I am sure it felt worse than it actually was, at least to me. 

Thursday, Captain and I sat down for a talk.  And he, very hoh-ish, told me how he felt and what things were *going* to change.  And how we were going back to the way things were before the trip.  I loved that HE said this, he brought it up, and he started things again.

I was very thoroughly spanked on both Friday and Saturday nights.  The only thing that saved me on Sunday night was Captain wasn't feeling well.  Both nights things went good...or as good as getting your bare bottom well paddled can go.  Both nights ended with a calm, peace between Captain and I that hadn't been there is a while. 

So we are sailin' again...and I have got a ton of reading to catch up on...

Choppy seas and a brisk wind...

Good Grief!  The last two weeks has been a whirl wind.  First I was out of commission with a bad migraine.  It started bad, but I could function.  Then on the third day I crumbled.  I basically crawled to my comfy chair and stayed there for the day.  I could not function.  It was like that for three days.  Then it got better.  Still a migraine, but I could function.
Then it got worse.  A couple more days of not doing much. 

I hate these times the most because I can not write!  I have a general idea for a great post...but actually getting it on paper keyboard is totally beyond me.  It leaves me sad I can't write...and confused because I work out so many of my feelings while writing.

Today, I had a good morning, but I can feel the migriane getting worse.  2 pm seems to be the onset time, so I try to get the most important stuff done during the morning hours. 

And, we are going out of town to visit family this weekend.  So I can add packing and trying to think of things to keep three kids busy in the car for 9 hours each way.  Yes, Missy Kidlet, although 20, still counts as a kid.  MY KID!  No matter how old she is...or how grown up she *thinks* she is.

Ttwd stuff is bumpy at the moment.  Truthfully, I am trying not to feel anything about it right now.  I know my perspective is off because of pain.  Captain and I talked about that, and he's been very patient. 

Last night was my first spanking in many many days.
Last night I slept better than I have in many many days.

Hmmmm.....wonder if there's a connection, lol!

It took a lot...

Namely four spankings over three days.  But our ttwd ship is sailing steady seas once again.

Yes, I knew when I wrote the last blog post, I deserved it.  That didn't stop me from going into self preservation mode when the time came.  And, somehow, I got very stubborn about it.  I have since seen the error of my ways...or more precisely Captain has showed me the error of my ways.

We did work a lot of things through.  And although it was painful, both emotionally and, for me physically, we both came out better for it with a much stronger communication.

Sorry, this is a "fly-by" post, things are so busy here.  I hope to write more tomorrow.  Just wanted to say we are okay, and things are good here.

The ship, she be run aground, Captain!

The name Captain came from a military rank…but when I talked to the Captain, I discovered we both think more in terms of a pirates and a pirate’s ship.  Arg! Me Hearty! 

Our ship is run aground.  Stuck on a shallow sand reef, sinking and wobbling and threatening to capsize!   

It started about a couple of weeks ago… 

At that time I was being spanked quite often.  This time it was a “say so”, which means it wasn’t consequence…it was just because he said so.  Towards the end, he said something about me asking and how I’d been asking a lot.  And I have.  I’ve been vocal about what I wanted, whether it be more swats or a certain implement or a higher intensity.  But the impression I walked away with was he was laughing at me…or worse thinking I was *weird or strange* or EVEN worse thinking I was trying to run things.  It was an overall very negative feel. 

Since this was towards the end, I had a lot of happy hormones, so I didn’t say anything then.  My usual m.o. when he says something that hurts my feelings or makes me mad, I tuck it away to consider later.  I tend to be oversensitive to things he says.  When I take time to consider things, usually it won’t seem like the big deal it had in the moment.  And a few things don’t go away.  This did not go away even after a few days.

Then crisis hit.  Captain was under some major stress at work, and it really affected him.  Captain is one of the most laid-back, go with the flow, patient men I have ever known.  But this amount of stress turned him into a very grumpy Captain.  And, after a few days, the crew was feeling the effects of his negativism.  It doesn’t happen often at all, which tends to make it devastating when it does.  It is so unlike him to spew a negative attitude all over the house.  Or raise his voice.  The kids were walking on egg shells.  I was distant and felt alienated.  Things were not going well. 

After a few days of this, another Stormy wind blew the sails and Kate made an appearance.  And when the Captain blasted in during a conversation between MissyKidlet and me, I was not a happy camper because he totally undermined my goal in the conversation, which was to keep things light but still bring up the issue.  He came barreling in with lecture and an ugly tone.  After he was done, I asked to talk to him in the bedroom.

Kate came out!  Whereas I (Mrs. Mouse) was alienated and distant, Kate was hopping mad!  Kate had the words I wouldn’t have uttered.  She said them well, not raising her voice (too much), and not getting disrespectful (much).  But she said what needed to be said. 

(By the way, just in case you’re wondering, I am *not* a split personality.  I am Mrs. Mouse.  Kate is who I want to be.  And ttwd is the merging process.  I need to find a way to get a voice that can express my feelings without being pushed to the point where I go overboard with rage.)

 

Captain listened and heard.  And things ended well.  Maybe not resolved, but better.  During this time, I had been having some health problems which prevented any spanking.  So things went on a couple more days…

 

The beginning of this week… 

During an evening talk, Captain asked about my health and whether I could be spanked.  I was honest with him.  Physically, yes, I could.  But emotionally, no, I wasn’t ready.  He had alienated me so drastically, that I was still feeling the effects of it.  And the remark he had made was still rambling around in my head.  I just wasn’t in a good place emotionally.  So we talked.  I couldn’t express what I was feeling very well.  My feelings were so conflicted and confused and I just couldn’t make sense of it.

So he said we would do something soon, but for that night, we would just talk. 

The next night, he said he was going to spank me.  And I reluctantly submitted…no…I reluctantly endured the beginning of a spanking.  I just could not accept it the way I usually do.  And he knew I was struggling.  So he stopped and took me in the bedroom to lie across his lap to talk it out.  And I physically did, but my spirit didn’t.  We talked some but didn’t really get anywhere.  So he chose not to do any more that night.   

The next night, there’s still a lot of distance between us.  He’s talking and I am answering.  But I was SO very confused.  I felt so negative towards him.  I felt safer with my distance.   

The next day we received an order of a few more “toys”.  These were ones I had picked out, and he didn’t know for sure what I had actually purchased.  So, there would be a spanking.  We both knew it.  I mean, come on, you can’t get all this stuff and not try it out!  So we did. But it was really different.  Normally during “testing new toys”, I have no problem requesting implement/more swats/more or less intensity.  This time I had trouble just taking my turn at picking what to try next.  The light bulb that had previously been very dim, burned brightly all of a sudden.  Epiphany!  (yes, there will be a post with reviews about what we got.)

Then Captain said that testing was over, but now he was going to clear the air.  I immediately froze inside.  The fun, light side of the spanking was gone.  And I took/endured the “clearing of the air”.  But my emotions were once again all over the place.  My wonderful epiphany was still too new to sort it out.  When he took me into the bedroom to lie across his lap, things did not go well.  I physically endured but emotionally, I just wasn’t there.  He let me get up because he knew. 

We, no, HE tried to talk but I was just so consumed by emotions and clinging to my distance, that I just couldn’t get past it all.   

And here I sit…writing and trying to work it all out… 

This is NOT about him ‘being grumpy’.  Although the alienation from him that I felt during that time plays a part in it.   

This is ALL about what he said about me asking. 

I think most women have trouble asking for a spanking, especially if they *really* need one for emotional reasons.  For us, the bigger problem was length and intensity.  In the past, I got up from most spankings feeling like it was only half over.  Sometimes not even half.  At that time Captain gave great warms ups…but it was a 30 minute warm up with a 2 minute spanking.  Unfinished.  Uncomplete. And so not there.  And totally frustrating for me.

This was a real problem for us.  He’d spank forever…and I still wasn’t happy.  He was just as frustrated, although I didn’t know/understand it at the time.  A big part of the problem is I seem to have a high pain tolerance.  Or maybe I just have trouble letting things go and letting the spanking work.  It takes a lot to get me *there*.

This time when we started ttwd, I knew it MUST be different for both of us.  I determined to be vocal about what I needed and wanted.  And I was.  And it was really working!  The spankings felt complete.  I was able to go to that happy, submissive place.  The spanking did its job.  And of course, I felt totally close and in sync with Captain. 

Things were going so well. 

And then he criticized my “voice”.  That’s what it felt like anyway to me.  I think I started retreating right then, and with him being grumpy and my health issue, it was just easier to put more distance there.  And now I am clinging to it, because if I let him in…it’s scary.  I mean, what am I going to say…I am really hurt and mad about something you said two weeks ago?  My m.o. of putting things he says on simmer has some flaws.  While it gives me the time to let go of the little things I over react to…it also lets the big issues simmer to a boil about a week too late.

And he has no clue.  He thinks this is about his grumpiness.  And why should he know what it’s really about…it was something he said that he probably doesn’t even remember saying?

And since, I promised myself to be honest in this post, part of it might have to do with a bit of spite.  Not a flattering thing to admit.  Something along the lines of:  if he’s going to criticize my “voice”, let’s just see how he does on his own. 

UGH!  I feel like this is such a mess.  A mess I made. 

Ttwd is so complicated.  But it is working.  Yes, it may be after two weeks of distance/silence.  And it may difficult to work through…but we are communicating about it and will work through it.  Before, pre-ttwd, it could have been two MONTHS or more for this type of issue to get worked out.  Yes, at the moment I am trying to grasp the positive, lol.

While this blog is mostly for me, because I love writing, it also provides me with another type of “voice”.  Because I can write this…and know he’s going to read it.  And I am SO much better at words on paper than I am having to speak them.  So, now that I’ve worked this all out in a blog post, I don’t have to find a way to tell him…because I already have.   

I know tonight is going to be difficult.  Waiting is always hard.  And while I am sure that whatever he chooses to give me while I am bent over the desk tonight won’t be easy on my bottom, I will be able to fully accept and submit to it. 

And this here ship be a sailin’ agin, Me Hearty!  Arg!

The Eve of Reckoning

Our first meeting to go over my lists took place tonight.  All in all, I didn’t do too badly.  I am to keep my lists for the week, and circle in red any problem areas.  Than Captain and I will talk about each area.  Thankfully there were few problem areas, and only one immediate consequence for the week.

I failed to exercise three times.  That was partly because I had a migraine and partly miscommunication between Captain and I.  I thought he said I had to do 30 minutes…and I really have trouble keeping moving for that long.  I did one 28 minute block, and had a terrible time with my knees hurting the next day.  He actually wants me to start with 10 to 20 minutes, which I felt much better about.

After we had talked, Captain led me to the office, to the desk, and over I went.  I was not too excited about this because I was quite sensitive from the night before.  And this time there would be no back rub waiting for me afterwards.

Captain took full advantage of the situation.  He gave me these light stinging swats that about sent me through the roof because I was so sensitive but were quiet enough that he could talk over.  He gave something between a lecture and a pep talk.  It was chiding, and encouraging, and inspired me to do better for the upcoming week.

I am not sure how I feel about being so accountable.  I like the accountability, but it is a LOT to get done.  It’s seriously hampered my writing/goofing off time.  But I enjoy how good the house looks.  I know it will get easier…(somebody please tell me it will get easier)…but sometimes it feels daunting.  Sometimes I think just let me do my lists and leave me alone…but I know I won’t.  Not all on my own…because, let’s face it, lists are work in disguise. Bleck!

It doesn’t really matter.  Things, especially this thing we do, are his way, his time, and he decides.  So the Eve of Reckoning shall continue…whether I want it to or not.

 

Just because I needed more...



Saturday Night

This weekend, I was able to collect on my prize of a back rub…with only 16 swats, with the implement of my choice.  Happy, contented, sigh.

I always get a warm up when I am across the desk.  So the Captain did that with our blue cane.  Then I chose the white cane.  After dutifully counting (the verdict is still out on how I feel about counting), it was done.  Over. 

I was shocked.  I felt lost.  Empty.  Like part of me was missing.  Like…like something was unfinished…

UGH!  I needed more.  I knew it.  Captain knew it.  I recognize it, but hate it at the same time. 

Back over the desk I went.  I got many, many more sets of 16 swats BUT I got to pick the implements for each.  This wasn’t for any other reason than I just needed it.

Then I lay across our bed, with a very hot, red bottom and got the most delightful back rub.  Makes a nice picture doesn’t it?

   

 

Stormy Blew By....

Friday evening, Captain and I had a conversation about his work habits (actually his workaholic habits). This has been an ongoing issue between us for a long time. He’s been staying late every night and worked the last two weekends. All of the weekends. He’s a public school teacher and the truth is HE WILL NEVER BE CAUGHT UP! EVER!!!

This school year he has 5 “preps”, which means 5 different lesson plans. More than that he is buried by bureaucracy (but that’s a different conversation, lol). His work has been a matter of contention for us in the past. We started ttwd during the summer, and I have been terrified that we will lose all the progress we’ve made now that he is back to work. And it really felt like that was happening. And I told him how I was feeling. And I was not happy that he would be working all of the upcoming weekend. Sigh. It wasn’t an easy talk, but I managed to not shut down AND to be respectful.

Saturday

I am frantically trying to play catch up on my lists that I am held accountable for. Things just did not happen the last two days. And I am still adjusting to having to get it all done. And dh is gone all day to a fund raiser. Working on the weekend, *again*. And I am having to clean house with two unwilling kidlet helpers. It does not make for a happy Kate.

Sooooo….I called Stormy’s blog up on my ipad. ( Shelter In The Storm ) I started reading at the beginning. So the Kidlets and I would clean one room, then break for 20 or 30 minutes. I would read the entire time. And laugh…and laugh!!! And shake my head in disbelief. HOW could she say that?!?!? WHY would she say that?!?!?! Her poor bottom!?!?!?!

Clean and read, read and clean, repeated several times throughout the day. It helped me get through a really rough time. (Thanks, Stormy!!!!!!)

Before I go further, you must understand that I am a mouse. I do not have a sassy or feisty bone in my body. I am terribly lacking a sense of humor. I do not brat to my husband…I freeze him into an ice burg on an isolated island where he can never reach me by way of walls, shutting down, and never ending silence. I do not use my words to retort, comeback or sass. I do not use my words to maim or injure. If I am pushed that far, I go straight for the kill. The words that will cut another straight to the heart, with all the venom I can spew. In almost 15 years of marriage, I have never called my husband a bad name, never cursed him, but I have built walls that make China’s Wall look like a toothpick.

Now, if you have read Stormy’s blog…you know that she is NOT a mouse, lol…

And if you haven’t read her blog…go there immediately!

So after reading and cleaning and dealing with uncooperative kidlets…along comes Captain. I had had a miserable day. I was feeling miserable. I was still slightly miffed at him for being gone (even though we had talked about it and had changes planned for the future.) To say the least, I was in a bad mood. MissyKidlet had been with him all day, and came in in a mood. Things were not calm and peaceful. And he and I were going out to grab a bite to eat and then grocery shop. What fun!! (feel the spewing sarcasm????) After a huge scene to get the kidlets semi settled and be able to leave, we were finally out the door.

And then Stormy blew by…

As we were heading to the car, I said something about doubting my parenting skills.

Captain said something about not letting them engage me or getting entangled in verbal battle.

Then I, little mousey me…muttered. Muttered under my breath, words that I might have thought before but would certainly NEVER, EVER have voiced out loud. Any, yet they came spewing out in a oh-so-quiet-Captain-can’t-hear-me-voice…

“Gee, thanks that’s SOOOOOencouraging”. Feel the dripping sarcasm?

I was shocked at myself!

We got in the car, he asks, blissfully unaware, “Did you say something?”

“Ahhhhh…we really need to get the car vacuumed.”

Oh my!

Things went from bad to worse…because that quiet little mumble turned into some pretty big (read: HUGE) attitude towards Captain. It had been a really bad day. I felt like he kicked me while I was down. I told him I didn’t want to eat out. Let’s just get the groceries and go home. We sat parked in the parking lot of the restaurant, trying to talk. Well, he tried to talk. I tried to appear like I was talking and not shut him out. Or build a wall.

Then he drove to the food store. More was said.

Then Stormy blew by again!!! I musta read more than I thought, and it leaked into my sub-conscience.

I vented. I raised my voice slightly. It all came pouring out, venom and all. Minor sarcasm, bratting, and a spoon of anger. My peace was said. In a not so peaceful way. But it also was not a full on attack.

And…

And…

It helped. Captain listened, and heard. And I felt better. He felt better.

And we drove back to the restaurant.

It never would have happened if Stormy hadn’t “blew” by. The mouse that I am, gave way to the Kate I want to be…still me, but feistier, happier…with just a touch of sass!

PS – Dear Captain, if you happen to read this…the muttering was all Stormy’s fault! 

 

 

Sometimes I just don't care...

Captain and I have 3 wonderful kidlets.  Kidlet #1 is a young adult daughter still living at home, working part time and making tiny steps towards college.  She is totally her mother’s daughter!  She has some of my best qualities…and a few of my worst.  She’s more than I ever could be…and sometimes, more than I can handle.  Needless to say, we have our moments of major clashing.

It drives the Captain crazy because we argue/squabble.  She baits me, and I can’t stand to not have the last word.  She’s disrespectful and rebellious.  I beat a dead horse.  She has great ideas and plans.  I wonder at her common sense…or lack thereof.  She loves to say outlandish things just to get me going. She attacks when I am emotional.  I hound and nag when she is defiant.

Until now, the Captain has left the room.  I was not of the mind to take direction from him.  And thought his intervening was interfering.  So he’s left us alone to duke it out verbally.  This has not led to peace in the house.  

The other night, things were getting out of hand.  She and I were disagreeing.  Loudly.  Captain looks at both of us and says in that HOH tone “You both need to chill. Now.”  We both look at him.  She thinks he’s mad.  I think he’s HOH-y.  I make a parting shot and leave.  Captain talks to her. 

Later that night, Captain and I were discussing the situation.  We agreed upon a great solution.  When this starts, (he usually sees it coming before I do), he’s going to tell me to go sit on our bed.  Tell, command, order.  Firmly.  In front of dd.  And I will obey.  Immediately.

Then he is going to talk to her.  In a calm, controlled manner, something that I am incapable of in the moment.  I trust him to defend my honor (state the need for her to respect me), lol.  And to make a good decision on whatever the problem is.

After he is done with her, he will come in and see me.  And he will lead me to the bathroom, take down my pants and panties, and give me a short but thorough bottom tanning.  This is not punishment.  It will be to enable me to let it go.  Totally let it go.

Yes, she will know something is up.  She will see her father give her mother an order AND her mother obey.  And I don’t care a bit.  If it stops the bickering between her and I, I am all for it.  And it can only benefit her and I if we’re not at each other’s throats in conflict.

She’s seen the difference in our marriage.  She knows things were really bad…and now they’re not.  She knows we’re working on communication.  She knows that I am actively trying to show him more respect and follow his leadership.  She knows he is more attentive and talkative with me.  She knows we “smoke swap” (kiss…we watch Jane and the Dragon, and the term stuck, lol) much more often.  She knows our marriage is much stronger than it was three months ago.  And she likes the changes she’s seen.

So, if she has to see her father give her mother a command, and her mother go against every instinct (I do not walk away easily) and obey it…then so be it!  I have NO plans to tell her about the spanking/discipline part.  I just don’t care if she knows I obey him.  I'd rather her wonder at that than continue the fighting.

Ten Word Tuesday

Time for Ten-Word-Tuesday!!!

The more accountable I am, the less time to write!!!

 

So Not Fair!!!!

Thursday Talk: Balance

Today was terrible.  My migraine is back and overwhelming me.  I am stressed and fatigued.  I canceled school today.  I sat in my chair, kept the house like a cave and watched tv with my kiddos.

When Captain and Kidlet#1 got home, things went from bad to worse.  MissyKidlet and I got into it again.  I was irritable.  She was baiting.  And I had NO tolerance for it, at all.  Finally, I ‘hibernated’ in my bedroom under advisement from Captain.  I got to be in a cold, dark, quiet room…and MissyKidlet got to live to see her next birthday.

However, because I didn’t expect to do that, I didn’t follow my lists and make sure certain things got done before bedtime.  UGH!  There was one thing left undone, which the Captain brought up.  The line between consistent and mercy is so blurred sometimes. 

There were lots of arguments for mercy.  I left a water bottle on the end table next to my comfy living room chair.  Now, technically the rule is I cannot leave glasses or cups on the table overnight.  This was a water bottle.  Hmmm.  I also did not know I would be vacating the livingroom as suddenly as I did.  Hmmm.  I have a really bad migraine.  Hmmmm.

The situation generated a really good conversation between Captain and I about rules, consistency, and mercy.  At first I wasn’t much help at all.  I kept wavering in my arguments.  Self-preservation would kick in and I’d argue that I shouldn’t be spanked.  Then I would think about how much him being consistent means to me, so I would argue that I should be spanked.  For these immediate consequences, the spanking is several swats with the short cane, no warm up, short and stingy…which I really hate. 

In the end, we both agreed that yes, I should be spanked.  But Captain was merciful in his spanking, so it was super short and not too stingy.    

 

 

The key between consistency and mercy is BALANCE!  Who knew?!?!  I think Captain and I have a much better understanding of both now.